The difference between knowledge and wisdom...

 

                                       

In days of yore, when we had biology at school the teacher asked who was brought up on bottled milk and most kids put their hands up, she then asked the class who was breast fed. Unfortunately, I was the only one to put my hand up, I felt slightly embarrassed, but the teacher told me not to be, as breastfeeding was the best way to bring up a child. I agreed with her, but told her that I found it most disconcerting as I had to share with a bloke who smoked 20 Woodbines and necked 5 pints of Boddingtons Bitter every day.

Meanwhile, Students in an advanced Biology class at the University of Manchester were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get at it.

                                           

  



Thanks to the people that said it's fine to let your pet sleep on your bed. My goldfish is now dead!



It’s funny how supermarkets now put jokes on the back of their desserts. Listen to this one:
“Serves four people.” Yeah right! Anyway, I digress. Non-Stick Nora was In Tesco’s looking for a trifle. She couldn't see the top shelf, so this Viking put her onto his shoulders and walked up and down the aisle until Nora had selected all the puddings she wanted. She didn’t know who he was. Even though she’d been riding through the desserts on a Norse with no name.


Still on the subject of supermarkets, a state-of-the art megastore has opened near me. It employs advanced technology to attract customers. It uses an automatic water mister machine to keep produce fresh. Just prior to activation, you can hear the sound of distant thunder and catch the aromatic scent of fresh rain. Upon approaching the milk aisle, you hear cows mooing and you can smell the fragrance of newly mown hay. Near the egg section, hens are clucking away and the pong of bacon and eggs frying entices the customer even more. The vegetable department produces the scent of buttered corn on the cob. I don’t buy my toilet rolls there anymore though….



The difference between knowledge and wisdom? Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a trifle. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!

                                           

Last week in the hot summer weather, Barmy Albert was stung by a bee on his forehead. He’s currently in Tameside Hospital with a swollen and bruised face and a fractured jaw. Apparently, he almost died! Luckily, Non-Stick Nora was close enough to whack the bee with a shovel.



Fascinating Fact: Only a woman who has delivered a baby without an epidural can truly comprehend
the pain that a bloke endures when he’s got the manflu.



Little Jasons mum shouts at him and declares: “You treat this place like a hotel!” As she leaves the room, he starts chortling. His sister asks him what is so funny? Jason sez: “She’ll regret saying that when I give her a low score on Tripadvisor!”

                           

Breaking News: Four teenagers who were vaping behind the Vatican have accidentally elected a new Pope.



In a fatal accident yesterday, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the group of folks that he was photographing did everything they could to warn him…



I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!