Kier Starmer has announced that Winter Heating Allowance will be restored, providing pensioners over 80 are still living with both parents in order to receive any additional support.
Non-Stick Nora appeared on BBC’s The Travelling Auctioneers with an ancient clock that she claimed had been in her family for over 500 years. Christina Trevanion asked her: “Nora, this clock has been in your family for an eternity. It’s the most important and sentimental heirloom you possess. Why have you never tried to get it repaired and in working order, until now?” Nora sez: “I couldn’t be bothered until I saw this programme. Barmy Abert told me that if I pretend to get upset, then you’ll fix it and then flog it for me, all for free!”
Before heading to war, the king locked his beautiful wife in her room and handed the key to his trusted friend, Wally . "Wally, If I don't return in four days, unlock the door and she'll be yours," the king declared. The king rode off heroically, but just 30 minutes later, he heard frantic hoofbeats behind him. He turned to see his mate Wally riding like the wind. The king stopped. "What happened?" Catching his breath, Wally exclaimed, "You gave me the wrong key!"
Every Sunday morning, I always go out and perform two hours of bell ringing. All my friends take the Mickey out of me for having such an unusual pastime, but I find it most therapeutic. It seems to annoy the bus driver quite a bit though. I got chucked off the 237 last Sunday!
I shouldn't be here right now, I should be back at college studying 'Electron Quantum Physics'.
Still, you can't be in two places at once, can you?
Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had made Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. Her husband Tommy asked he how she knew that it was a Himalayan rabbit. Elsie informed him: I found him a-layin n in the road....
Young Willy Eckerslyke was wearing a Man United shirt yesterday. So far, he’s been spat at, slapped around the fizzog and called a brainless moron. God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
Barmy Albert visited the doctor and sez: “Doctor, you gotta check my leg. Summat is terribly wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his stethoscope to Albert's thigh only to hear, "Gimme a fiver. I really need a latch-lifter to get me into Wetherspoons." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc, just listen to my knee." The doctor placed his stethoscope against Albert's patella and could clearly hear it say: "I’m absolutely skint, borrow us a tenner mate, until I get me Giro." "Albert, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never witnessed anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your stethoscope up to my ankle." Albert urged him. The physician did as Albert asked and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need two quid. Gizzus two quid!" "I have no idea what to tell you." the doctor opined "There's nothing about it in my medical books," he said as he frantically searched all his reference manuals. However, I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places." Albert asked: “Well, what can I do to fix the problem?” The doctor replied: “If I were you, I’d keep well away from those places….”
Keir Starmer goes along to The Pitt Bull and Stanley-knife pub in a bid to try and integrate with the hoi polloi. While he’s there, he gets talking to the captain of the darts team, who invites him over for a game, and although he’s never played darts before and doesn’t know the rules, he decides to give it a go, because it would be a good photo opportunity and might help bolster his flagging popularity. They then walk over to the board where he’s introduced to the rest of the team, and after a quick discussion between the players, the captain says to Keir: “Seeing as it’s your first time, we’ve decided to let you be the goalkeeper.”
I’m a free spirit. I do free spirit gubbins. So please don’t look at me in a confused manner, just gaze at me in wonderment and then you too will draw massive inspiration from my profound eccentricity and emulate my loopiness in your everyday routine. Visit my website: www.comedianUK.com and continue the quest. Now, get back to work!
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