If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit. And if he is laughing and chuckling away, whilst flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then lets face it, you’re drunk! Gerroff home!
I asked our butcher how long a turkey would last in the freezer, he told me "about three months". I sez " Thats very strange, coz I put one in the freezer last night and it was dead this morning."
Whilst doing a bit of Krimbo shopping, I popped into a record shop and asked the assistant "What have you got by The Doors?", she replied, "A bucket of sand and the security bloke". Whats all that about then?
Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. I told them to get lost. Anyone who can fit into my clothes certainly ain’t starving!
After a Christmas party gig that I did recently in a Manchester hotel, I decided to visit the residents bar. and ordered a mug of ‘Farquaharsons Famous Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer’. Feeling immensely confident, I sidled up to a voluptuous young woman and pronounced in my best Richard Burton voice "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at me and said, "For the first two-thirds of it, I probably wasn't even born yet." Oh dear! Hat and coat time already!
The missus (or Monsters Inc in Matalan, as I lovingly refer to her) informed me that she had been to an Ann Summers Christmas party. Apparently, it’s just like a Tupperware party, but with batteries and lotsa tinsel. She purchased a couple of really odd items, such as some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. I don't eat her cooking, so I'm not going to eat her vest am I? She reckoned that if we went upstairs and I handcuffed her to the bed, I could do anything that I wanted. So I handcuffed her to the bed, then I went to the pub.
Moreover, on a chilly winter evening, this week, I was lying on the sofa with the missus watching television. During the commercial break, I reached over and
gave her foot a gentle squeeze. "Mmmmm," she sez. "That's nice, do it again" "Actually," I admitted sheepishly, "I thought it was the remote control."
With Christmastide on the horizon, I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchen cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ last September. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk. Now, get back to work!
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