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Tuesday 1 December 2009

Are You American??

Are you American?
1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is
over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of
cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park.
What do you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armor, 20
cheerleaders, a marching souzaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley,
and a team of orthopedic surgeons specializing in spinal injuries.
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a
rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet
if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home
hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after
sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist
faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head,
whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering
5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c)A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six
eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five
corn dogs and a diet root beer.
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get
What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at
a hotel
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel
in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult
phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team
sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armory and buy him an arsenal of
semiautomatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
8. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your
wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't
happen again
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue
your wife's ass.

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