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Saturday, 12 December 2009

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a
nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be
considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records
Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby
Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times
and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered
safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must
also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a
venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please
note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their
fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we
would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be
considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and
safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches,
stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also
requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of
year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally
heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his /
her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have
been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of
UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load
that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in
the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and
how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.
Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty
road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent
inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his
discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply
referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof
may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold'
etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the
potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A
suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause
in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by
stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC
routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest
route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the
guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three
kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for
the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from
the camels hooves.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness
of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R
Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and
disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this
offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions -
including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this
investigation takes place.

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