Christmas Tip No 1. Never eat anything served from a window unless you are a seagull! My lovely daughter Susannah (12) and I went through the McDonald's Drive- thru and I gave the assistant a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, “You gave me too much money.” I sez, “Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a quid back.” She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said “We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.” The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change. You couldn’t make it up, could you??
Christmas past (three years back) was totally unbearable. I asked the wife what she would like for a prezzie, and with a voice laden with scorn, she screamed at me: “I’m sick of you and I want a divorce!!” I must admit, I wasn’t really thinking of spending that much! I did my utmost to try to make amends with the harridan. I made every endeavour to get her into the Christmas spirit, but to no avail. On Boxing Day, I told her to get her coat on, because of an invitation to a Christmas party. “Oooh” she sez “Have I been invited too?” “No” I replied, “ I’m turning the heating off.” Upon asking her if she would kiss me under the mistletoe, she curtly informed yours truly, “I wouldn’t kiss you under an anaesthetic!” Anyway, I got her a new bag and a matching belt for Christmas. I must say that the Hoover works great now! It wasn’t picking up proper before.
In retrospect, the ex-missus was a tad stressed out at the time, primarily because of being very busy at work during the bleak midwinter months. She was a gritter over Woodhead. You’d be amazed how many men used to follow her up our drive every night. There was one morning in particular, I recollect, when the phone rang at about 3-30 am. Upon answering it, (albeit half-a-kip) I mumbled summat about the caller having the wrong number and that he really should contact the meteorological office. The wife asked who was on the phone at such an unearthly hour. I replied “some geezer asking if the coast was clear.” What’s all that about then?
There was one fella sat all on his own in my local pub, The Pit-Bull & Stanley Knife. Apparently it was his firms Christmas ‘do’. I asked him where everybody else was; he replied, “I’m self-employed”
Went to a local restaurant and the missus wasn’t keen on what was on the menu. The waiter sez, “Would you like to hear the specials, madam?” The wife replied, “Yes please” The waiter then sez,” Dis town, Ah ah, is comin’ like a ghost town! All da clubs is closin' down!"
In Christmas past, I bought a turkey from MFI. It took me two days to assemble it. I then discovered that there was a piece left over. The plot thickened on Boxing Day, when a leg fell off!
Two turkeys were talking to each other. One sez “What do you think about all this bird flu that’s knocking about?” The other turkey replied, “ I hope we don’t get culled before Christmas”
A happy Christmas to all my readers, I sincerely wish you all the best and hope that you have a triffic time! Yule log on to my website www.ComedianUK.com or gizza festive Tweet on www.twitter.com/comedianuk
No comments:
Post a Comment