This fella (pictured below) won £24 million on the Euro Lottery, then the very next day, he meets the girl of his dreams. Howzat for good luck?!?!

So, the other day, the battery in my car died, I asked my next-door neighbour, Barmy Albert if he had any jump leads. He gave me a load of phone numbers. What’s all that about then?



A further vehicular disaster was my water pump. I bought the water pump from a local auto parts store and it came with a full warranty. The warranty said ‘Limited Lifetime Warranty’, excluding the casting, shaft, bearing and rotor. I later discovered that the only four components present are, the casting, shaft, bearing and rotor. So now I have a limited warranty on nowt. I can see myself having this conversation with the geezer in the auto-parts shop, " I bought this water pump here and it has ceased working. The warranty states that you owe me nothing, and that's what I expect." The clerks response would be summat like, “ I'm sorry sir, but your nothing is limited.”



The ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die, you come back as summat else. She sez that she wanted to come back as a pig. I replied, “You're not listening properly, are you?” I used to call her ‘Magnolia,’ coz she’d go with anything! We shared the same sense of humour. We had to do, because she didn’t have one!





Fascinating Fact no. 2472: Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. On that basis, since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you! That women are going the 'right' direction? I think we should be told!



Credit Crunch Tip No 2643: You know that the recession is causing problems when the mortgage, the car loan and the wife are all three months overdue.





Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".



Having performed at copious workingmens and social clubs over the last three decades, I have noted that there is no monument anywhere dedicated to the memory of a committee.



Try this. It's really amazing!

Think of a number.
Multiply it by 3.
Now add 5.
Take away the number you first thought of.
Now add 7.
Subtract 2.
Add back the number you first thought of.
Now, close your eyes.
Dark, isn't it?



Disclaimer: the accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts undisputed after more than 2 minutes after this newspaper is printed become uncontrovertible truths. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or why not email me at austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Now, get back to work!