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I had a great summer and missed the UK monsoon period altogether. Apparently, it only rained twice in Manchester over summertime. From May to July and from July to the end of August. All this global warming gubbins appears to be altering the climate to a fantastic degree. Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? I think we should be told!



Upon returning from Cyprus last week, I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" You couldn’t make it up could you?





When the examination was complete, I sez, “Now, Doc, I can take it.

Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me.”



“Well, in plain English,” my doctor replied, “You're just a plain old lazy malingerer and wastrel”



'Thank You.' I replied. “Now give me the medical term, so I can tell the missus”







My Grandmother is ninety-five and still doesn't need glasses...
She drinks straight out of the bottle.

On a university exam, students were asked to explain the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an "A" to the student who wrote
"I don't know and I don't care."



A blonde schoolteacher notices a little fat boy in the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says asks blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the goalkeeper"





A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don't like the looks of your wife at all.” “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.”

This shouldn't be the end. It should only be the beginning. Do you work with a bunch of nutters? Wish you did? Answer no to both questions? Got any corn plasters? Whoa! Let me back up a second and start over again. Work with a bunch of ‘head-the-balls’? Wish you did? Answer no to both questions? Got any corn plasters? Well then you need to check out www.ComedianUK.com to take a glimpse at my nutty Jokey-Blog. Do it now, or the next day, or the day after that and the day after that. Email me direct at austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Wahee!! The winter is-a-comin’!!