Idiosyncratic behaviour...

Do you find that that the idiosyncratic behaviour that we sometimes display and the quirks of our individual display model of human nature fascinating? Consider me this: Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in completely the opposite direction of where you are supposed to be perambulating? However, instead of just turning around and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch (Sometimes I'll look at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is!) or mobile phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazeridden because you have randomly switched directions on the pavement. Sometimes, I cross over the road, for no apparent reason! 

 

My doctor has prescribed some tablets for my failing memory. I have to take three tablets, four times a day. Or is it four tablets, three times a day? Moreover, I can’t remember where I’ve put my memory stick. I’ll have to find it because I saved this column is on it. If this column doesn’t appear in the paper this week, then you know I am still looking for it. 

 

 Being a comedian is a most unenviable career. More often than not, when someone is telling me a joke all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own joke that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. It’s tantamount to narcissism innit! Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's definitely watching and laughing at the right parts. 

                                 

Why is it that I would rather try to carry ten plastic grocery bags in each hand, rather than take two trips to the car to bring my groceries in? What's all that about then? 

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. The doctor sez I have an eating disorder. Apparently, its two hands and one gob! 

 

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. Shirts get dirty. Undercrackers get Richard Widmarks in them. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. Plus they have pockets too! ‘Do not machine wash or tumble dry’ means I will never wash this ever. 

 

 I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------