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Thursday, 29 December 2011

Alzheimers/Dementia/Memory Loss. Have I already told you this?


Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old .


Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their

wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is

concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they

spend the entire night together.



After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the

expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door

opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and

she prepares to go to sleep.


After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,

and it's Roger. He is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised,

Jenny consents. When the newly-weds are done, Roger kisses his bride,

bids her a fond good night and leaves.



She is set to go to sleep again but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is

back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,

ready for more action, which they enjoy once more.



But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I

am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and

so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were

only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'



Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I

have been in here before?'





Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.



PS. Have I already sent this to you ?

Just found out my grandad has dementia.  I just hope and pray that it doesen't run in the family, because my grandad has got it as well.

The singer Glen Campbell has the dreaded malady of dementia too.  Apparently, he's getting cards and letters from people he don't even know!

Monday, 19 December 2011

Breaking News....



Breaking News: Kim Jong il has died. For all those morons who haven't a clue about what goes on in our global village, she was the leader of North Korea.

I attended the funeral of Kim Jong il in North Korea over the weekend.  I couldn't understand a word they were saying.  The buffet afterwards however, was the dogs bollocks.

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Merry Winterval & All That Gubbins...





When travelling in extreme weather conditions, the government advises you that you should carry a shovel, a hazard light, a first aid kit, warm blankets, a flask and a non-perishable food hamper. I must admit, I looked a right tosser on the bus this morning.

Regarding the need to carry a shovel. A Poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

Last Christmas, my grandfather was feeling rather ill, so the doctor advised us to rub brandy butter all over him. He went downhill really fast after that.

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

I went back to see the doctor yesterday. I informed him, "When I applied the Hemorrhoid ointment that you gave me this morning, I got a very nasty reaction." "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked. I replied, "On the bus."

Barmy Albert phoned work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" Albert replied, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

There was a big fight over the Christmas holidays. Apparently, a Bandit called Rocky went Crackers, and hit a Penguin over the head with a Club tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribband, then made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hob- Nobbing with a Ginger Nut. Two accomplices, one known as Garybaldi and the other known only as Rich T. Unfortunately, they don’t have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammie Dodger might get away with it! Christmas Crackers!

The High Court in London has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the Houses of Parliament this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

When I was 5 yrs old, we were so poor, I remember coming downstairs on Christmas morning and there were two AAA batteries under the tree and a note saying: "Toys Not Included".

Thought for Thursday: This Christmas, be thankful for the bad things in life, for they open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before.

If you see a fat man, who’s jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit. And if he is laughing and chuckling away, whilst flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then let’s face it, you’re bladdered! Gerroff home! A merry Christmas to all my readers. Visit my Krimbo Jokey-Blog: www.ComedianUK.com    Now, get shovelling that snow!

Friday, 16 December 2011

Christmas gig with Ray Parlour, who has both hands on my shoulders....



Last Friday, I worked with Ray Parlour at the Grimsby Round Table Annual Christmas Dinner.  The audience were with us all the way, but we managed to shake 'em off at the railway station.  Ace night!

Monday, 12 December 2011

If it's Christmas, get a turkey. If it's raining, get a Capon...





This morning, the missus sat me down at the breakfast table and then came the bad news. "This will be the last time I'm carrying you down all those stairs, you lazy cretin." Some folk just have no sense of humour whatsoever.

I hear on the grapevine that Disneyland Paris will have some stiff competition (literally) next year when the rival Dominique Strauss-Kahn Theme Park opens.  Apparently, you'll get a ride, whether you want one or not....

In Christmas past, during my teenage years, I recollect that a girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?" I immediately popped the question. Sorted!

Dear Santa, please can I have a really fat bank balance and a slim woman. Please don’t mix these two up just like you did last Christmas. I've been good all year. Well most of the year. Okay f**k it, I'll buy my own presents.

My missus asked me, "What did you buy me for Christmas?" "Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes over there?” "Yes," she said cheerily. "Well I bought you a hairbrush the exact same colour." I said, “I’m only joking, your present is under the tree." "Ooh what is it?" She said excitedly. "A root" I replied.

I was at a Christmas party when the DJ suddenly announced, “all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living”. The barman was nearly crushed to death! The barman said to me: "Your glass is empty. Do you want another one?" I looked at him and replied, "Why would l want two empty glasses?"

I was watching ‘Santa Claus The Movie’ yesterday, when suddenly, the missus walked in, pressed the eject button, then took the DVD out and went back into the scullery. I asked, "Why did you do that?" She sez, "The instructions on this bolognese pasta clearly says, 'Remove film before placing in oven.’  Blondes.  Doncha just love 'em?

It was Christmas Eve and the judge was not in a very merry mood. He asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" The prisoner replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early." "That’s no crime," said the judge. "Just how early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the shop opened," answered the prisoner.

If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbour’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “carol singing,” but if you’re doing it alone on the High St wearing a Santa outfit, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.” Moreover, I've put my Christmas declarations up yesterday. When I say declarations, it's a sign I put on the front door saying 'Carol Singers F**K Off'.

Did you ever realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home from the pub in five minutes" are both an identical chronological timespan? Fascinating!

Angry wife on phone to her husband: "Where the hell are you?" Husband: "Darling, remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond and totally fell in love with it, but I didn't have the money at the time to buy it and said one day it will be yours?" Wife: "With a blushing smile, yes I remember that my love". Husband: "Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop"

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Blog too! Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of RYANAIR.


Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one euro please, Mr. O'Leary."


Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap" and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "But you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll need one of ours. That will be another 3 euros."

O'Leary grimaced, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Oh, so you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That's another 2 euros, and actually, I see that you didn't pre-book the seat, so in fact it will be another 4...

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you want to bring that laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Euros"

O'Leary was so pissed off that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is a f***ing rip-off, I want to speak to the manager".

"That's fine, but you can only contact him by email", said the barman. "And by the way, that will be another 2 euros for use of the counter. And unless you are going to wash the glass yourself, that will be another 3ˆ It will be another 3 to use the washroom and make sure you tidy up all the area before you leave”....

Have a nice day......

http://www.comedian.ws/

Monday, 5 December 2011

Two Feet Of Snow Here.....


This missus sez to me: "Can I ask you a very serious question? But you must answer clearly with a yes or no". Hesitating somewhat, and fearing a loaded riposte, I replied, "Alright, go on then". Immediately, she retorted, "Why are you always making jokes about blondes?"


Good fortune does indeed shine on Stevie Bruce. He gets sacked as manager of Sunderland on the last day of November, knowing full well that on the first day of December every department store in the world will be looking for a jolly, fat bloke with a penchant for wearing red & white. You couldn’t make it up! Could you?


Barmy Albert shouts frantically down the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contradictions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asked the nurse. "No", declared Albert, "this is her husband!"


I drove past a couple of them lazy, bone idle strikers last Wednesday. I wound the car window down and shouted "Get back to work and do your job properly!" I couldn't make out what Torres said, but Andy Carroll told me to f**k off...

If you find a shell at the seaside, then take it home, sit on the sofa and hold it closely to your ear. You’ll discover that you can still hear the wife nagging through the other ear. Fascinating!


Stopped over at Keele Services on the M6 last night. Got a cup of coffee, a ham sandwich and a packet of crisps. At the checkout, I declared “Sorry love, I’ve only got a £50 note.” She looked at me and replied, “You’ll have to put the crisps back then”. Incredible!


10 Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Far Too Seriously....


1) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2) A day without sunshine is like, night.

3) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5) He who laughs last, doesn’t really get the joke.

6) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7) Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

8) Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

9) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

10) Inside every older person, is a younger person wondering what happened!

A man on trial for armed robbery, stood up to hear the verdict from the jury. "We, the jury," announced the foreman, "find the defendant....Not guilty!" The man jumped up, embraced his solicitor and asked, "Does this mean I gets to keep the money”...

Thought for Thursday: Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world and receive a handsome bonus payment for his scurrilous activities.

The Wikipedia definition of "paraprosdokian": A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it" is a type of paraprosdokian. Okay, so now consider visiting my Jokey-Blog for more exercise to your guffaw glands! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and regenerate your chuckle muscles. Email me: comedianuk@sky.com

Monday, 28 November 2011

A practical example of how the human mind works...


An analysis of the above picture can tell us a lot about how different people think...


For young men, it's a picture of a lady with a nice arse but only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street.

The really observant will notice that she is wearing a thong.

For older men, she appears to be a respectable woman, with a nice arse, on her way to work.

The perverts among them will imagine her naked.

Wiser men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer to take the shot in the face of such beauty and be grateful that they shared it with humanity.

For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.

The other half will think she is a slut but wonder where she bought that blouse.

Older women will imagine the misery that the woman's arse will cause by the time she reaches 50.

But only children, the extremely intelligent and the celibate will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog.

http://www.comedianuk.com/

The countdown is on!

                                                                       Puptarts?


As from today, the countdown is on! At Christmas, a real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind.


My daughter looked up and sez "All this Movember stuff is ridiculous, I hope that you're gonna shave off that stoopid moustache before we go out today, it's totally embarrassing!" I was absolutely flabbergasted, it was the bravest thing I've ever heard anyone say to the missus.

I was speaking at a sportsmans dinner last Friday night and they auctioned a signed pair of Carlos Tevez football boots. Apparently, they no longer fit him properly, I hear that he has got too big for them.

During our day out at Ladybower Reservoir, Barmy Albert asked me, "What's the biggest fish you've ever caught?" I looked at him and sez, "Have you ever seen the film Jaws?" "Yeah." He replied. "Well it was about the same size as the box the DVD comes in."



Fascinating Fact: Because the duck-billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard. Incredible!



A Woman's Poem.



He didn't like the casserole,

And he didn't like my cake,

He said my biscuits were too hard,

Not like his mother used to make,

I didn't perk the coffee right,

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks,

The way his mother used to do,

I pondered for an answer,

I was looking for a clue,

Then I turned around and

smacked him one,

Like his mother used to do.

Animal instincts are amazing. The mice in our house always know when my wife's mother is about to visit - they throw themselves on the traps.

Ten years ago Bob Hope died, then five years back Johnny Cash sadly passed away.

A couple of months ago, the founder of Apple, Steve Jobs shuffled of this mortal coil, then to top it all, two weeks ago, alas Jimmy Saville was no more. Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to fix it. We live in sad times.



Yesterday afternoon, on the High Street, a policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper, that you could almost see through. He said, 'I want you to help me trace someone.'



Thought for Thursday: Never tell your problems to anyone. 20% of people just don't care and the other 80% of folk are glad you have them.



Don't let worry kill you off - let me help. By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter: twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! Tinseltide is a-comin’!!

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!










The missus was in the bathroom for what seemed like an eternity, whilst I was waiting patiently downstairs to go out, when finally she flung the door open and opined “Give me your honest truthful opinion, do I look big in this?”    I replied “Yes dear, but to be fair, it is a very small bathroom.”


A recent survey found that one in three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two. Yesterday, the wife stormed into the room with my phone and screamed "I've just been looking through your mobile and you've been talking to some other woman!" I looked up guiltily & responded "Its true. We speak for hours every day" She broke down sobbing, then sniffled "Why? What’s she got that I haven't?" "Unlimited minutes" I replied.


I was stopped by a traffic policeman the other day. He sez, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I was trying to keep up with traffic." I replied. He curtly informed me: "There is no traffic." I answered, "That's how far behind I am." Another three points and I qualify for a toaster! Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!


I was on a British Airways flight the other day. For two hours Ryanair flew alongside us, so that their passengers could watch our film.

Husband: "Where've you been?" Wife: "The beauty parlour", Husband: "For six hours, you don’t look any different", Wife: "I was getting an estimate".

My grandad spent most of the war on the lookout out for German bombers. He was a lifeguard at Berlin Swimming Baths. The first woman he ever made love to was a suffragette. He only managed that because she was chained to the railings.

When my school pal and I were little, we were always playing Robin Hood. Only thing was, he was always Robin Hood and I had to be Little John. After a while I got fed up of this and told him I wasn't playing any more. "Okay" he said. "We'll play a different game and you can be Robin." "Brilliant" I said. "Who are you gonna be?" "Batman" he replied.

Whilst in the car, I said to the missus, "You've been driving the car, haven't you?" She replied, "And exactly how do you know that?" I sez, "Because the clutch is knackered." She replied, "Don't blame me, I never use it."

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio."Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!" Ground control received her call for help and answered back: "Don't worry, madam. We'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm 5ft 2 inches tall and sitting in the front seat." Ground control: "Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven....

I'm in trouble with the missus, yet again. We were in bed last night, and she asked me what would like to do most with her body. Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the right answer.

Thought for Thursday: I suffer from paranoid amnesia. I can't remember who I don't trust.

Historians have discovered the headstone of a grave, of what they believe to be the oldest man in the United Kingdom. He was 111, and his name was Miles from London. The inscription was rather faded, so he might not have been 111, he may have been ill.

The proper art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. It’s a little bit like that U-bend behind the toilet, I could never get my head round that. You can visit my website if you fancy it, just clickety-click on: http://www.comedianuk.com/
 or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

Thursday, 10 November 2011

What is going on?


Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that the Russians are up to summat? Maybe it is the effect of a black hole deep in space that is imploding and sending micrcocosms of extreme temperature that are inversely proportional to the mass of the black hole itself, thereby making it difficult to observe this radiation for stellar mass or even greater gubbins. Either way, Mr David Cameron, we need you to grasp the nettle and sort this unfortunate problem out forthwith. Failing that, send Nick Clegg round with a rake, pronto!


What with the bleak midwinter just around the corner, I decided that I wasn’t going to be caught out this year when we are deluged with the white stuff. So I phoned our local 4x4 centre today, in readiness of the heavy downfall forecast in a couple of weeks - they were very helpful, apparently the answer is sixteen. Fascinating!


Since being ejected by Simon Cowell from The X Factor for snorting cocaine, a spokesman today commented that Frankie Cocozza needs medical help. I know just the doctor for him...



Money making tip.

Step 1 - Purchase a premium rate telephone number.
Step 2 - Put your telephone number on a 'How's my driving?' sticker and stick it to the rear of your car.
Step 3 - Drive around town like a complete twat and watch the cash roll in.

Poor old Joe Frazier has died..  Police suspect foul play,  They're currently grilling George Foreman!

I got home yesterday evening and the missus was weeping buckets by the slopstone in the scullery, and was inconsolable. I approached her in a most sympathetic manner. "Why are you crying, darling?" I gingerly enquired. "I made a lovely spaghetti bolognese for our dinner" she opined "But the dogs have scoffed it" "Don’t fret, love, we can always get some more dogs," came my reply.   She bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

I remarked that the sandwiches tasted rather odd and enquired what was on them. The missus sez, "Crab paste." I aked her where she got it and she replied "The chemist."


Hallowe'en was nowt speshul in our house. The missus looks exactly like Freddie Kruger every morning when she wakes up. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade. To be blatantly honest, I dunno how she has got past so many bonfire nights either.

"To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian". - Quote from Shakespeares Scandinavian sister, who had a face like a Norse...

In 1991, I was dating a Siamese twin for a while, but she finished with me after she found out I was seeing her sister behind her back.


A Poem Wot I Wroted:

Thank you for the flowers she said,


As she slowly raised her head,

I'm truly sorry for the things I said last night,

I was wrong and you were right,

So I forgave her, there and then,

... And as we whiled away the hours,

I thought to myself,

What f***in' flowers?!?!
 


Thought for Thursday: Folk are funny. They spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like. You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

Breaking News: The Olympic Flag will now have only four rings: Green, blue, red and black.  Apparently, the Greeks had to pawn the gold one.

Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, it just isn’t worth the effort of gnawing through the leather straps. However, if you like a challenge, then visit my website! Just clickety-click on www.Comedian.ws and have a chortle on me! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

Monday, 31 October 2011

Steve Kindon.

James H. Reeve ~ Dave Stebbings ~ Austin Knight ~ Steve Kindon @ Horwich  Golf Club at a charity dinner raising much needed funds for http://www.retrak.org/   Yet another fantastic night of comedy!! 

Trick or treat? The decision is yours...


It was officially the end of British summertime yesterday. As opposed to the unofficial end which was in May. The clocks have gone back, and the bleak winter season is forthcoming. I reckon that we must have a different type of clock in our house. I’ve been watching them for twelve hours now, and they are all still going forward. On a brighter note, I bring good news for all insomniacs - only three more sleeps until Christmas! Yes folks!  It's getting terribly close to that time of year when we all drag a dead tree into our living rooms and eat chocolate out of a sock. Fascinating!


Hallowe'en must be the only day each year when you won't open the door if they don’t look scary! A young lad knocked on my front door last weekend and sez, "Trick or Treat?" I asked, "What have you come as?" He said "A werewolf." I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in jeans and a T-Shirt." He replied, "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, you thick t**t?" Well, I just left him lying there. We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school.  Moreover, I hear on the grapevine that Jehovas' Witnesses don't like Hallowe'en at all. They can't stand people knocking on their door and mithering them. 

Q) What is brown and very lonely?
A) Colonel Gaddafi's camel.

I was driving down the High Street in a bit of a fluster, because I had an important meeting to attend at the betting shop, and couldn’t find a parking place anywhere. Looking up to heaven I said, "Lord, if you find me a parking space, I will change my ways, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and I will give up drinking beer". Just then, a parking place appeared. I looked up again and said, "Never mind, I just found one."

"What do we want?"
"Northern Irish Accents"
"When do we want them?"
"Noiye"....

The missus arrived back from her driving test. "So," I asked excitedly. "How did you get on?" "Not good." She replied, "He failed me." "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically, "It can't be that bad, what did he pull you up on?" "A chain." She replied "The cars still in the river."

I frightened the postman today by going to the door with no clothes on. I'm not really sure what scared him most, me in my birthday suit, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Twas good to see Mario Balotelli doing an awareness campaign for Fireworks night. Perhaps his team mate CarlosTevez may do summat for Hallowe’en. He wouldn't need a costume, because he has a face like a murderers labourer. I hear that Tevez plans to sue his boss Roberto Mancini. If his solicitor has any sense of humour, he'll refuse to come off the bench and defend him.

Give a person a fish and you will feed them for a day. Alternatively, get them on the internet and they won't bother you for many months.

Q) Why did the missus cross the road?
A) To go back into the very same shoe shop that we went in four f***ing hours ago!

Quote of the week: Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

Austin Knight & Neil 'Razor' Ruddock at Manchester City FC.

I had a great gig last Friday at Manchester City FC in the Citizen Suite with former Liverpool, Spurs and England player Neil 'Razor' Ruddock, who I have now worked with a few times on the after-dinner speaking circuit.

The Citizen Suite has been given an extensive makeover, in readiness for the forthcoming 2012 Olympics apparently.  The sky-blue curtain that you can see behind the top table in my pic has been specially woven and contains a panoramic view of the city of Manchester, and a very fine peice of craftsmanship it is too.  Especially, when I examined it close up, I found it quite amusing to note that Old Trafford has been airbrushed out of the scene!  You couldn't make it up!  Could you?

We received a brilliant reception and well over 350 guests attended the dinner, which was to raise much needed funds for Brendan Bees Junior FC at Droylsden. Razor Ruddock regaled the audience with tales of his escapades at Millwall, Liverpool and Spurs and his magnificent impression of Harry Redknapp will be with me forever! He was so funny! The crowd gave us both a standing ovation. Later on on the audience cheered and carried me aloft on their shoulders. I said "I can walk to the car." They said "You're going in the river!" A fantastic night was had by all!

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Tevez Latest!!

Gaddafi Latest! Another Dictator In The Pipeline?


Apparently, a badly wounded Gaddafi shot himself in the head, after rebels informed him that he was being taken to Stepping Hill Hospital...

Q) What's black and has two broken arms?
A) Colonel  Gaddafi's Raybans.

Yes folks, finally, after years of atrocities and the suffering of millions, it's over. Details are still to be confirmed, but Westlife are definitely splitting up.

A pal of mine attended an orgy and slept with three Thai girls last night.  He reckoned it was like winning the lottery.  He got six matching balls! 


Saw a homeless guy in Manchester city centre, sat in a cardboard box selling The Big Issue. I sez to him "I see you're still working from home then."

Ooooh, folly folly! I have just found out that my dad has an advanced form of dementia. I just hope and pray that it isn't hereditary and doesn't run in the family because my dad has got it as well.
 
After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.  He was busy covering his tallywacker with Cherry Blossom shoe polish. I said to him, "You pillock! You're supposed to turn your clock back!  On the same subject, I bumped into a dyslexic Yorkshireman today. He was wearing a cat flap.
 
 
This economic global downturn credit crisis recession gubbins really is quite appalling, in fact it's even worse than getting divorced! I’ve lost more than half of my assets, but I’m still lumbered with the missus!


Moreover, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, your investment  would be worth a derisory £49.00 today. If you had bought £1,000 worth of shares in AIG twelve months since, you would have a measly £33.00 today. If you had invested £1,000 in Lehman Brothers last year, your collateral would be NIL today. However, if you had treated yourself to a grands worth of beer a year ago, supped all the ale, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received £214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. You heard it first here folks!

A little girl and a little boy were at nursery. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, you wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his good fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary bloke," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men….

"I can't believe that you taped over our wedding video with a rubbish Stephen King film," she yelled. "I couldn't have," I replied. "We've only had a DVD player for the last ten years." "Well what's with the sticker with 'Misery' on it then?"

My wife rang me on Sunday afternoon. "Where are you?" she screamed. "I've been stuck outside the house in the pouring rain for an hour!" "I'm watching the Derby game and having a few beers with the lads," I said. "Well I need you to come and open the door for me," she snapped. "I've forgotten my key." "Calm down," I replied. "I'll send Barry through from the kitchen."

A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert.

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun, or do you just get lots more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Batten down the hatches. The bleak midwinter is-a comin’! Now, get back to work!

Monday, 10 October 2011

Lucky £101 Million Euro Lottery Winner To Be Married....

What incredible luck!  £101 Million Euro Lotto winner scoops jackpot last Friday, then meets the love of his life on Saturday!  You couldn't make it up!


I was chatting up a gypsy bird in the pub last night, when she asked if I wanted to go back to her place and have a good time. She wasn't kidding. I went on the waltzers, the dodgems, the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish!


 Horrible weather here today. Tempestuous rain and fifty mile an hour gales. The missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After four hours, I felt quite guilty and decided to let her in...

A bank is robbed by the same bank robber for the third time in a month. "Did you notice anything unusual about the robber?" asks a detective. "Yes," says the bank clerk. "He was wearing nicer clothes every time."

Watching the rugby last weekend is a bit like watching Doctor Who. I quite enjoy it but if I'm absolutely honest, I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

Genetically modified ‘Superbroccoli’ has gone on sale in the UK today. It'll be flying off the shelves!

I sez to the missus, "You look like you've put on some weight." She curtly informed me, "Tell me summat I don't know." I replied, "Salad tastes really nice.".....

Quantitative easing is where the government prints more money to put into the economy when conventional monetary policy has become ineffective. Mickey Thomas got 3 years in the nick for the same thing. I see we're going to have another round of quantitative easing. Or as they're calling it, QE2. I suppose it'll keep us afloat.

I treated the missus to one of those 'fish pedicures' the other day and I must say, I was very pleased with the result. Those piranhas don't muck about.\

I was astonished to hear last week that Robbie Williams is leaving Take That yet again. I thought he was 'Back for Good'...

During Dickensons Real Deal yesterday afternoon, I gazed at the 19th century solid oak bureau in the corner of my dining room and thought: ' Maybe that is where the Sky remote is.'

I was staring out the window when my wife said, "It looks very different doesn't it?" "Yeah, normally the green grassy bit is at the bottom, whereas the blue cloudy bit is up the top end." After a long pause she asked, "What are you thinking, darling?" "I'm thinking, why did I let you drive?"

Last week, I went to Blockbusters and got a Carlos Tevez DVD, but it won't play....

Thought For Thursday: Okay, now you might call it being a lazy git, However, I call it selective participation....

I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving. As you know some people have brushes with the authorities on their way home. Well I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner And a few drinks, and having had far too much vino, and knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I have never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.

After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.  He was busy covering his tallywacker with Cherry Blossom shoe polish. I said to him, "You pillock! You're supposed to turn your clock back!  On the same subject, I bumped into a dyslexic Yorkshireman today. He was wearing a cat flap.

A baby snake looks at his dad and says "Dad are we poisonous snakes?" His dad says “No son, why do you ask” The baby snake sez, "cos I've just bit my tongue!"

Have you ever had an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whizz around in circles but you were concerned that you’d get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven’t we all? Why doncha visit my website? www.Comedian.ws and peruse my all new Jokey-Blog. You know it’s the right thing to do. All the cool kidz are at it!

Monday, 3 October 2011

Tevez Latest!!


Breaking News: Carlos Tevez is to open his own chain of sandwich shops. It is to be called: SubNoWay...

“Hello. You are through to PC World Technical Support. This is Sheila speaking. How can I help?” ”I can’t find the net.” “Okay, a couple of questions first, your name please sir.” “Fernando Torres.”

We all possess individual talents and display different quirks and idiosyncrasies. For instance, I am absolutely brilliant in the bedroom department. This is because I worked for twenty-odd years at Ikea.

Whilst sauntering down the High Street yesterday, I spotted a sign in a shop window that said, "Watch Batteries Replaced Here." So I went in and said, "Go on, then."

Quote of the week: Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns.

This morning on The Jeremy Kyle Show there was this fella being totally belittled and castigated by his missus. It was so embarrassing. It was obvious who wore the tracksuit bottoms in their marriage.

The missus and I walked past a very expensive restaurant in the town centre. As we passed, she remarked, "Oooh, did you smell that food, it smelled really lovely." I looked at her little face and took her by the hand and replied, “Come on then," and we walked past it again. She has become most inquisitive too. Last week she asked me what I was doing on the computer. "I'm looking for some cheap flights," I replied. "Oh that's great, love," she said. "Have you found any? I'll help you look." I was quite surprised. She usually isn't that interested in darts.

I got a strange text this evening from a number I didn't know. I replied, "Who is this?" I got a message back saying, "I’m your worst f***ing nightmare!" Which left me rather perplexed, because the missus was sitting next to me and she hadn't moved the whole time.

I put a load of the wife's old clothes in a charity bag outside the house this morning and got a knock on the door an hour later. "We can't take these, sir," he said "Why, what's wrong with them?" I asked, "Your wife's still wearing them."

I fully realise that laughter isn't for everyone. It's only for folk who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive. Exercise your guffaw glands today!  Have a chortle on me! Visit my website  www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!  You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com

Sunday, 18 September 2011

The Moon Belongs To Everyone....









The missus sez "You only want to give me one when you're pissed." I replied,   "That's not true, sometimes I fancy  a Kebab".....

Crimewatch Latest: Police are hunting the ‘Knitting Needle Nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the last week. Police believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern.


I sez to my dyslexic mate, "You'll never guess which band have split up." He thought for a minute and replied, "ERM....."


A geezer goes into the local library and sez, 'Have you got any books about Jedward?' The librarian replies, 'Yes, we do have one . But will you bring it back?'   'But of course I will'. replies the fella. 'In that event,' says the librarian, 'You're not f***ing borrowing it'
 
The missus texted me saying: 'What are you doing right now?'   I texted back saying: "Probably failing my driving test."  The wife can talk for England. She's fluent in Urdu, Polish and Arabic.


A woman stopped me in the street this morning. She said, "Do you know anything about cars?" I said, "I know a bit." She said, "Could you look at mine and see what you think?"  I said, "Of course." After inspecting the car for about twenty minutes I said, "Yeah, it's quite nice."


A pal of mine who established a thousand island and guacamole salad dressing manufacturing business has just gone bankrupt.  So now we know for sure that we are in a double dip recession.


Ask a stoopid question...

Q) What do you call a Teletubby who has just been burgled?
A) Tubby.

Got a birthday card from Moonpig this morning. Or the mother-in-law as she likes to be called.

They say with age comes wisdom. Well I’ve got the age thing sorted - when can I expect the wisdom to kick in?

I had difficulty accessing facebook yesterday, so I called my mate Brian who is an IT dude and PC fixer technician.  "Have you tried disabling cookies?" he politely enquired.  I thought for a moment and replied, "No, but I once bit the head off a gingerbread man..."

My Wife just said, "Look at this, I've had it since we got married twenty years ago and it still fits me". I said "Very nice, now go and hang your Scarf back up ".   I had my phone stolen yesterday. It had nude pictures of the missus on it. The thief returned it within an hour!

I think more riots are starting. I was walking home from work and there were cars dumped all over the place and smashed to bits. So be careful if you're going past the Women's Institute.


A helium atom walks into a bar. The barman says, "We don't serve noble gases here."   The atom didn't react.



Why do people still say 'sound as a pound'? The pound is far from sound at the moment. You don't hear Italians going around saying 'securo as a Euro', do you?  But you can aquire more hilarious gubbins from my Jokey-Blog. Just click on: www.Comedian.ws



Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Breakfast in bed...


The missus fetched me breakfast in bed early this morning. "Many happy returns!" She announced. Somewhat perplexed, I replied, "It ain't my birthday." "I know," she screamed, nonchalantly pouring a cafetiere of boiling hot coffee into my lap, "It's mine, you absent-minded cretin!" I must admit that I have become rather forgetful of late. I forgot to go to the gym yesterday. That's fifteen years on the trot now!



Sir Alex Ferguson sends Arsene Wenger a message asking him to come up to Old Trafford. The next day Arsene goes up to Manchester. He walks into the boardroom and is greeted by Sir Alex. Arsene says, "I've heard a rumour you're retiring soon. Do you want me to step into your shoes?" Sir Alex says, "No... I just wanted to show you what a shed load of trophies look like."


The missus phoned me from the Trafford Centre. "I can't remember where I’ve parked the car!" she whined. "Don't panic love. Just look round for a small gathering of men slowly shaking their heads and tut-tutting.  Mind you, she really let her hair down last night. She's only gone and dyed it ginger....


Large crystal ball for sale. £40, but you will knock me down to £28.50.


On the home improvement front, I've just had a state of the art electronic garage door installed. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears the wifes voice. To be honest, I ain't seen it shut yet...



I think more riots are starting. I was walking home from work and there were cars dumped all over the place and smashed to bits. So be careful if you're going past the Women's Institute.

In a moment of madness, while the wife was away, I took this girl back to the house, "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she opined. "What gives you that idea?" I asked. "The scissors" she replied.


How do you expect kids to listen to their parents and behave themselves in a proper fashion when Tarzan lives half-naked, Cinderella stops out until midnight, Pinocchio is an inveterate liar, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at excessive speeds, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with seven stange blokes. We shouldn't be surprised when kids misbehave, they get it from story books.  Typical innit!  Especially regarding GCSE's, when they text each other thus: "Gud luk 2 evry1 gettin ther resultz 2moro."  I think I can tell you your English result already if you want....


Thought for Thursday: Marriage is betting someone half your money and possessions, that you'll love them forever.


They say you can tell a lot about a person by their car. For example if it's in a ditch, then it most probably belongs to a woman. Further examples of rapier wit, funny jokes, hilarious diatribes and gear to get yer guffaw glands going can be found at my website: www.Comedian.ws. email me: comedianuk@sky.com.

Monday, 22 August 2011

An inveterate namedropper...

If women controlled the world....


Whilst shopping in Tesco yesterday, I was surprised to bump into Bono from U2.  I said "Alright mate?" and he warbled "No, I still haven't found what I am looking for". The plot thickened. I spied Paul Simon in the Post Office, he was buying TV licence stamps.  I said "Hey Paul, what was that song you recorded in the eighties?" "You can call me Al" he curtly informed me. "Okay Al, what was that song you did in the eighties?"
You would never believe who I met in Greggs. Veteran rocker Alan Price, formerly of The Animals. He told me that he might be moving to America. He’s going to relocate to New Orleans. Apparently, there is a house there.  Fascinating!




Took the sprog Susannah out to Manchester.  We went to see Disney On Ice. Neither of us were impressed at all. It was just some old bloke in a fridge freezer.



Waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.   Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,

Two in the front seats and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding,

but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The efficient copper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask is everyone in this car OK?” These women seem awfully shaken,

And they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer..... We've just come off the A120."



A bunch of looters broke into Huddersfield police station and nicked all the Sat-Navs. Police say they're looking for Leeds.



Two blondes were walking through the forest when they came across some tracks. First blonde sez to the other, “these are moose tracks” the other replies” No, they’re not you Bozo, these are deer tracks" and they both began to argue. Three hours later the police report stated that two women were standing over some tracks when a train hit them.



I had a potentially embarrassing moment yesterday. I bumped into my father at a brothel in the centre of town. . It all turned out ok though. He was only there to pick up my mum.  





Thought for Thursday: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx.



I am working away now for the next few weeks, so this column will return in the autumn. Enjoy the rest of the monsoon and we’ll touch base again when all the trees are bereft of their foliage. You can get a chortle by visiting my Jokey-Blog. Just click on www.Comedian.ws and remember that the moon belongs to everyone. Email me: comedianuk@sky.com


If women controlled the world....










Thursday, 18 August 2011

Post hoc ergo propter hoc....


 

All the fighting, smashing windows and looting has ruined the summer for me. I'll be glad when the kids go back to school! I hear on the grapevine that looting may have occurred at the City of Manchester Stadium. There is now only one trophy left in the cabinet. Moreover, Roberto Mancini is looking for a house in Manchester. He dosen’t want anything too flash. Just a two up - three down will do.


The police stopped a Scouser on a moped with a fifty inch widescreen plasma TV, with surround sound. The efficient copper sez “What’s all this then?” The Scouser replied, “It’s me Sat Nav.”

The missus (or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) was limping down the High Street yesterday. I asked her what the problem was, to which she curtly informed me “I have a stone in my shoe.” Quick as a flash, I replied “Well there must be seventeen stone in the other shoe.” The icy stare she gave me would have stopped a clock! Looks like I’ll be kipping on the sofa for the next few days/weeks/months. It dosen’t bother us lads. It’s just like camping innit!

Yesterday afternoon, the German Shepherd from next door leapt over the fence and urinated on my front lawn. It gets worse. This morning, he brought his dog with him!

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

The sprog Susannah wanted me to find her a summer job. She asked me to check with my friends, my business associates. Then she asked me to run off a hundred copies of her resume, call up the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Part-Time Employment section of the newspaper. I asked her how she wanted to describe herself in the ad. She said, "A self-starter!" You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

Five Pearls of Wisdom to Remember:

1) Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Bentley Turbo than it is on a moped.

2) Forgive your enemy, but always remember the blackguard’s name.

3) Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4) Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5) Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

Mr. Tickle was really excited about marrying his girlfriend Tess. Tess, however, wasn't too sure about her new name!





I was watching the women's golf earlier.  They couldn't drive, but boy, could they use an iron !


Thought for Thursday: Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know!

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Now, get back to work!





                       Can you spot the 4th Friend in the pic above?





Thursday, 11 August 2011

Aromatic fragrances used to stimulate sales!

Sense of Freshness....







Recently a new supermarket opened in Manchester, UK.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

 
Just before it starts misting, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.



 

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of freshly cut hay.





In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.


 
 
When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
 
 
 



The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.  


Of course, I don't buy my bog rolls from here...





Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Riots Latest!! ~ Cameron asserts authority...



Breaking News: Riot Latest!! Manchester Gay Village is on fire. Police and fireman are at the scene, together with a construction worker, a red indian and a cowboy...


In an effort to calm things in Tottenham, Spurs manager Harry Redknapp has signed several new 'ethnic' players ahead of their game against Everton on Saturday. - Olaf a De Fires, French international Andrei Grabatelly, German winger Nick De Cashtill and the Japanese twins Rio Ting and Lou Ting.

Wheres that f***ed up Norwegian guy who likes shooting teenagers en masse when you need him?


ITV: Next week on Jeremy Kyle Show ~ " i fink my gf cheated while i was out rioting.'"





Banana Army sent in to stop looters....



           It didn't work though....

More Riots & Looting....



The looting has continued at the City of Manchester Stadium. There is only one trophy left in the cabinet...




 It's official! The recession is over! Shops across the UK have reported stock flying off the shelves at an unprecedented rate...


 Breaking News: Riots, thieving & looting across the UK! The citizens of London call it ' Totally appalling'. People in Birmingham say 'it's a disgrace'. Liverpool call it 'Monday'....
 
 




Bunch of looters broke into Huddersfield POLICE STATION and nicked all the SatNavs. Police say they're looking for Leeds.


Reports suggest 150 looters have broken into Birmingham City's "St. Andrews" football ground. Club officials are asking if this can be used as a record attendance...

Manchester City owner Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan has asked manager Roberto Mancini how close he is to a premier league winning side. Mancini replied "About 5 miles away"...


Things are quiet on the comedy front, so I’ve just got a temporary job. Washing dishes. Unfortunately, it's at Jodrell Bank.

The missus said she's leaving me because I never listen to her properly. Meat pie, chips, and mushy peas, I replied.


Two blondes were walking through the bush when they came across some tracks.One blonde says to the other " these are moose tracks " the other replies " they're not you Bozo, they are deer tracks" and they both began to argue. Three hours later the police report stated that two women were standing over some tracks when a train hit them.




Red sky at night ~ Shepherds delight?  Nope.  Red sky at night ~ Londons on fire!  (Plus Manchester/Nottingham/Birmingham) I pray that all my friends will live as long as the DFS fire sale continues!  You too can discover the elixir of mirth by visiting my all new joke blog. Click on www.ComedianUK.com and follow the link.  You can also gizza tweet on Twitter!  www.twitter.com/comedianuk .  Nick Clegg, Listen up! Get sweeping up that debris!  Davey
Cameron is-a-comin'!








Monday, 1 August 2011

Odd Job Man....

I was in my local pub, the ‘Pit Bull and Stanley Knife’, celebrating my £100 million windfall on the lottery when the ex-wife walked in and demanded half. I said, "Sure, it's the least I can do." She said, "What, are you serious? Thank you, thank you so much" I said, "Alright love, calm down. Do you want Fosters or Carling?"




I hear on the grapevine that Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon has divorced his third wife. He reckons he needed more space!



Having accompanied the missus for her annual check up, while she was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to me, "I don't like the way she looks." "Neither do I," I sez. " But she's good with the kids”.



Discovery of a new diet. This one definitely works. - Just fill up your car with petrol and you won't be able to afford to buy any food!



An odd-job man who advertised in the local paper was totally useless. I gave him a list of 8 jobs to do whilst I was out at work. When I came back, he'd only done 1,3,5,and 7.



I know how to reduce unemployment in Britain. Raise the school-leaving age to 46 !



One afternoon a solicitor was travelling in his Bentley Turbo when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his chauffeur to stop the car and got out to investigate. He asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer proclaimed. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man, he sez, "You may come with us too." The second man, in a pitiful voice, began grovelling and said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring all of them along," the solicitor answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the Bentley was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and sez, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place, the grass is over two feet high!"

I cleared out my grandmothers house today, I put the good stuff on E-Bay and I took the rest down to the charity shop, I then went to the estate agent and put her house on the market,

I can’t wait to see her face when she gets back from Bingo.



Thought for Thursday: Opinions are like armpits. Everyone has two of them and they usually stink.

If you need a smile, then text me. If you need a laugh, why not call me. If you need a hug, come round to my house. If you need money; then my number does not exist! You can visit my website though. Just click on: www.ComedianUK.com or send us a tweet on www.twitter.com/comedianuk

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Hat & Coat Time....

Breaking News:  Miracle Occurs in Liverpool Off-Licence!


Last night, I was stood at the bar in my local pub, The ‘Pit Bull and Stanley Knife’, when this gorgeous girl came up beside me. Looking her up and down, I said, "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together." She said, "No fatty, I'd put U at the back of the Q!" Oh dear, hat and coat time already. Start the car!




If you find a shell at the seaside, then take it home, sit on the sofa and hold it closely to your ear. You’ll discover that you can still hear the wife nagging through the other ear! Fascinating!



Q.which film star appeared in seven films and wore the same coat in all seven.

A) Lassie.



I hear on the grapevine that after his embarrassing defeat against Wladimir Klitschko, David Haye is off on holiday. Apparently, he’s going to Krackatoa.



I finished the Times crossword in eight minutes flat yesterday! Fourteen across was rather cryptic. However, it turned out to be, ' Dumphlouob.'



My wife said she's leaving me because I'm too much of an exhibitionist. Well, I'll show her!



Yesterday, I spied my next door neighbour Barmy Albert in Manchester. He was queuing outside a cinema for six hours to see the film, 'Closed for Refurbishment.'



Little Wayne and Sharon are only eleven years old, but they know they are truly, madly, deeply in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Wayne goes to Sharon’s dad to ask him for permission. Wayne gamely strolls up to him and opines, "Mr. Jones, me and Shazza are truly in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the loveliest thing, Mr. Jones replies, "Well Wayne, you are only eleven years old, where will the both of you live?" Without the blink of an eye, Wayne sez, "In Sharon’s room. It's much larger than my bedroom and we can both fit in there quite snugly." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Jones replies with a huge smile, "Okay, then how will you exist? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Sharon." Once more, Wayne instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Shazza gets five quid a week and I get a fiver too. That's forty quid a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Jones is really impressed that Wayne has done a lot of forward planning and put so much thought into this. "Well Wayne, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Wayne just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." “Hmmmm”, thought Mr Jones. “All of a sudden, the little brat ain’t so cute!”

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the slings and arrows of outrageous misery. If we cannot laugh at our own shortcomings, then what can we laugh at? Well there’s this column for a start! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

M60 Rules okay....

From Private Eye (again!)


Whilst driving down the M60 yesterday, my daughter Susannah sez: "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why makes you say that ?" I asked. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

The Epstein Syndrome...

from Private Eye


Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town.




He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, intending never to be seen in his home town again. However, decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"



Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."



"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.



"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but to tell you the truth an embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."



The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident, too. Was it a long time ago?"



"Yes, many years."



The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"


Saturday, 25 June 2011

The Great Mysteries of Golf...




"Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more   about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk."    Grantland Rice



"If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is."
Horace G. Hutchinson



"Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one."

Author Unknown



"It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."
Mark Twain




"Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them."
Jimmy DeMaret



"May thy ball lie in green pastures - and not in still waters."
Author Unknown




"The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
George Deukmejian



"It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place  the world is when one is playing golf. "
Robert Lynd




"They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that."
Gardner Dickinson



"If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork  the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death."
Sam Snead




"Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness."
William Wordsworth



"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt."
Dean Martin




"I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced."
Author Unknown



"My handicap? Woods and irons."
Chris Codiroli





"I'm hitting the woods just great - but having a terrible time getting out of them! "
Author Unknown



"The only time my prayers are never answered  is on the golf course."
Billy Graham




If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Jack Lemmon



If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
Author Unknown




Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
Author Unknown