An inveterate namedropper...

If women controlled the world....

Whilst shopping in Tesco yesterday, I was surprised to bump into Bono from U2.  I said "Alright mate?" and he warbled "No, I still haven't found what I am looking for". The plot thickened. I spied Paul Simon in the Post Office, he was buying TV licence stamps.  I said "Hey Paul, what was that song you recorded in the eighties?" "You can call me Al" he curtly informed me. "Okay Al, what was that song you did in the eighties?"
You would never believe who I met in Greggs. Veteran rocker Alan Price, formerly of The Animals. He told me that he might be moving to America. He’s going to relocate to New Orleans. Apparently, there is a house there.  Fascinating!




Took the sprog Susannah out to Manchester.  We went to see Disney On Ice. Neither of us were impressed at all. It was just some old bloke in a fridge freezer.



Waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.   Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,

Two in the front seats and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding,

but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The efficient copper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask is everyone in this car OK?” These women seem awfully shaken,

And they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer..... We've just come off the A120."



A bunch of looters broke into Huddersfield police station and nicked all the Sat-Navs. Police say they're looking for Leeds.



Two blondes were walking through the forest when they came across some tracks. First blonde sez to the other, “these are moose tracks” the other replies” No, they’re not you Bozo, these are deer tracks" and they both began to argue. Three hours later the police report stated that two women were standing over some tracks when a train hit them.



I had a potentially embarrassing moment yesterday. I bumped into my father at a brothel in the centre of town. . It all turned out ok though. He was only there to pick up my mum.  





Thought for Thursday: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx.



I am working away now for the next few weeks, so this column will return in the autumn. Enjoy the rest of the monsoon and we’ll touch base again when all the trees are bereft of their foliage. You can get a chortle by visiting my Jokey-Blog. Just click on www.Comedian.ws and remember that the moon belongs to everyone. Email me: comedianuk@sky.com

If women controlled the world....