All the fighting, smashing windows and looting has ruined the summer for me. I'll be glad when the kids go back to school! I hear on the grapevine that looting may have occurred at the City of Manchester Stadium. There is now only one trophy left in the cabinet. Moreover, Roberto Mancini is looking for a house in Manchester. He dosen’t want anything too flash. Just a two up - three down will do.
The police stopped a Scouser on a moped with a fifty inch widescreen plasma TV, with surround sound. The efficient copper sez “What’s all this then?” The Scouser replied, “It’s me Sat Nav.”
The missus (or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) was limping down the High Street yesterday. I asked her what the problem was, to which she curtly informed me “I have a stone in my shoe.” Quick as a flash, I replied “Well there must be seventeen stone in the other shoe.” The icy stare she gave me would have stopped a clock! Looks like I’ll be kipping on the sofa for the next few days/weeks/months. It dosen’t bother us lads. It’s just like camping innit!
Yesterday afternoon, the German Shepherd from next door leapt over the fence and urinated on my front lawn. It gets worse. This morning, he brought his dog with him!
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
The sprog Susannah wanted me to find her a summer job. She asked me to check with my friends, my business associates. Then she asked me to run off a hundred copies of her resume, call up the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Part-Time Employment section of the newspaper. I asked her how she wanted to describe herself in the ad. She said, "A self-starter!" You couldn’t make it up! Could you?
Five Pearls of Wisdom to Remember:
1) Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Bentley Turbo than it is on a moped.
2) Forgive your enemy, but always remember the blackguard’s name.
3) Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
4) Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5) Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.
Mr. Tickle was really excited about marrying his girlfriend Tess. Tess, however, wasn't too sure about her new name!
I was watching the women's golf earlier. They couldn't drive, but boy, could they use an iron !
Thought for Thursday: Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know!
I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Now, get back to work!
Can you spot the 4th Friend in the pic above?
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