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Wednesday 31 August 2011

Breakfast in bed...

The missus fetched me breakfast in bed early this morning. "Many happy returns!" She announced. Somewhat perplexed, I replied, "It ain't my birthday." "I know," she screamed, nonchalantly pouring a cafetiere of boiling hot coffee into my lap, "It's mine, you absent-minded cretin!" I must admit that I have become rather forgetful of late. I forgot to go to the gym yesterday. That's fifteen years on the trot now!

Sir Alex Ferguson sends Arsene Wenger a message asking him to come up to Old Trafford. The next day Arsene goes up to Manchester. He walks into the boardroom and is greeted by Sir Alex. Arsene says, "I've heard a rumour you're retiring soon. Do you want me to step into your shoes?" Sir Alex says, "No... I just wanted to show you what a shed load of trophies look like."

The missus phoned me from the Trafford Centre. "I can't remember where I’ve parked the car!" she whined. "Don't panic love. Just look round for a small gathering of men slowly shaking their heads and tut-tutting.  Mind you, she really let her hair down last night. She's only gone and dyed it ginger....

Large crystal ball for sale. £40, but you will knock me down to £28.50.

On the home improvement front, I've just had a state of the art electronic garage door installed. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears the wifes voice. To be honest, I ain't seen it shut yet...

I think more riots are starting. I was walking home from work and there were cars dumped all over the place and smashed to bits. So be careful if you're going past the Women's Institute.

In a moment of madness, while the wife was away, I took this girl back to the house, "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she opined. "What gives you that idea?" I asked. "The scissors" she replied.

How do you expect kids to listen to their parents and behave themselves in a proper fashion when Tarzan lives half-naked, Cinderella stops out until midnight, Pinocchio is an inveterate liar, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at excessive speeds, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with seven stange blokes. We shouldn't be surprised when kids misbehave, they get it from story books.  Typical innit!  Especially regarding GCSE's, when they text each other thus: "Gud luk 2 evry1 gettin ther resultz 2moro."  I think I can tell you your English result already if you want....

Thought for Thursday: Marriage is betting someone half your money and possessions, that you'll love them forever.

They say you can tell a lot about a person by their car. For example if it's in a ditch, then it most probably belongs to a woman. Further examples of rapier wit, funny jokes, hilarious diatribes and gear to get yer guffaw glands going can be found at my website: email me:

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