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Monday 1 August 2011

Odd Job Man....

I was in my local pub, the ‘Pit Bull and Stanley Knife’, celebrating my £100 million windfall on the lottery when the ex-wife walked in and demanded half. I said, "Sure, it's the least I can do." She said, "What, are you serious? Thank you, thank you so much" I said, "Alright love, calm down. Do you want Fosters or Carling?"

I hear on the grapevine that Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon has divorced his third wife. He reckons he needed more space!

Having accompanied the missus for her annual check up, while she was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to me, "I don't like the way she looks." "Neither do I," I sez. " But she's good with the kids”.

Discovery of a new diet. This one definitely works. - Just fill up your car with petrol and you won't be able to afford to buy any food!

An odd-job man who advertised in the local paper was totally useless. I gave him a list of 8 jobs to do whilst I was out at work. When I came back, he'd only done 1,3,5,and 7.

I know how to reduce unemployment in Britain. Raise the school-leaving age to 46 !

One afternoon a solicitor was travelling in his Bentley Turbo when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his chauffeur to stop the car and got out to investigate. He asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer proclaimed. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man, he sez, "You may come with us too." The second man, in a pitiful voice, began grovelling and said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring all of them along," the solicitor answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the Bentley was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and sez, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place, the grass is over two feet high!"

I cleared out my grandmothers house today, I put the good stuff on E-Bay and I took the rest down to the charity shop, I then went to the estate agent and put her house on the market,

I can’t wait to see her face when she gets back from Bingo.

Thought for Thursday: Opinions are like armpits. Everyone has two of them and they usually stink.

If you need a smile, then text me. If you need a laugh, why not call me. If you need a hug, come round to my house. If you need money; then my number does not exist! You can visit my website though. Just click on: or send us a tweet on

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