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Monday, 12 December 2011

If it's Christmas, get a turkey. If it's raining, get a Capon...

This morning, the missus sat me down at the breakfast table and then came the bad news. "This will be the last time I'm carrying you down all those stairs, you lazy cretin." Some folk just have no sense of humour whatsoever.

I hear on the grapevine that Disneyland Paris will have some stiff competition (literally) next year when the rival Dominique Strauss-Kahn Theme Park opens.  Apparently, you'll get a ride, whether you want one or not....

In Christmas past, during my teenage years, I recollect that a girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?" I immediately popped the question. Sorted!

Dear Santa, please can I have a really fat bank balance and a slim woman. Please don’t mix these two up just like you did last Christmas. I've been good all year. Well most of the year. Okay f**k it, I'll buy my own presents.

My missus asked me, "What did you buy me for Christmas?" "Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes over there?” "Yes," she said cheerily. "Well I bought you a hairbrush the exact same colour." I said, “I’m only joking, your present is under the tree." "Ooh what is it?" She said excitedly. "A root" I replied.

I was at a Christmas party when the DJ suddenly announced, “all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living”. The barman was nearly crushed to death! The barman said to me: "Your glass is empty. Do you want another one?" I looked at him and replied, "Why would l want two empty glasses?"

I was watching ‘Santa Claus The Movie’ yesterday, when suddenly, the missus walked in, pressed the eject button, then took the DVD out and went back into the scullery. I asked, "Why did you do that?" She sez, "The instructions on this bolognese pasta clearly says, 'Remove film before placing in oven.’  Blondes.  Doncha just love 'em?

It was Christmas Eve and the judge was not in a very merry mood. He asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" The prisoner replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early." "That’s no crime," said the judge. "Just how early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the shop opened," answered the prisoner.

If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbour’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “carol singing,” but if you’re doing it alone on the High St wearing a Santa outfit, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.” Moreover, I've put my Christmas declarations up yesterday. When I say declarations, it's a sign I put on the front door saying 'Carol Singers F**K Off'.

Did you ever realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home from the pub in five minutes" are both an identical chronological timespan? Fascinating!

Angry wife on phone to her husband: "Where the hell are you?" Husband: "Darling, remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond and totally fell in love with it, but I didn't have the money at the time to buy it and said one day it will be yours?" Wife: "With a blushing smile, yes I remember that my love". Husband: "Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop"

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Blog too! Just clickety-click on: You can email me:

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