This missus sez to me: "Can I ask you a very serious question? But you must answer clearly with a yes or no". Hesitating somewhat, and fearing a loaded riposte, I replied, "Alright, go on then". Immediately, she retorted, "Why are you always making jokes about blondes?"
Good fortune does indeed shine on Stevie Bruce. He gets sacked as manager of Sunderland on the last day of November, knowing full well that on the first day of December every department store in the world will be looking for a jolly, fat bloke with a penchant for wearing red & white. You couldn’t make it up! Could you?
Barmy Albert shouts frantically down the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contradictions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asked the nurse. "No", declared Albert, "this is her husband!"
I drove past a couple of them lazy, bone idle strikers last Wednesday. I wound the car window down and shouted "Get back to work and do your job properly!" I couldn't make out what Torres said, but Andy Carroll told me to f**k off...
If you find a shell at the seaside, then take it home, sit on the sofa and hold it closely to your ear. You’ll discover that you can still hear the wife nagging through the other ear. Fascinating!
Stopped over at Keele Services on the M6 last night. Got a cup of coffee, a ham sandwich and a packet of crisps. At the checkout, I declared “Sorry love, I’ve only got a £50 note.” She looked at me and replied, “You’ll have to put the crisps back then”. Incredible!
10 Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Far Too Seriously....
1) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2) A day without sunshine is like, night.
3) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5) He who laughs last, doesn’t really get the joke.
6) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7) Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
8) Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
9) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
10) Inside every older person, is a younger person wondering what happened!
A man on trial for armed robbery, stood up to hear the verdict from the jury. "We, the jury," announced the foreman, "find the defendant....Not guilty!" The man jumped up, embraced his solicitor and asked, "Does this mean I gets to keep the money”...
Thought for Thursday: Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world and receive a handsome bonus payment for his scurrilous activities.
The Wikipedia definition of "paraprosdokian": A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it" is a type of paraprosdokian. Okay, so now consider visiting my Jokey-Blog for more exercise to your guffaw glands! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and regenerate your chuckle muscles. Email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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