When travelling in extreme weather conditions, the government advises you that you should carry a shovel, a hazard light, a first aid kit, warm blankets, a flask and a non-perishable food hamper. I must admit, I looked a right tosser on the bus this morning.
Regarding the need to carry a shovel. A Poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
Last Christmas, my grandfather was feeling rather ill, so the doctor advised us to rub brandy butter all over him. He went downhill really fast after that.
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
I went back to see the doctor yesterday. I informed him, "When I applied the Hemorrhoid ointment that you gave me this morning, I got a very nasty reaction." "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked. I replied, "On the bus."
Barmy Albert phoned work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" Albert replied, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"
There was a big fight over the Christmas holidays. Apparently, a Bandit called Rocky went Crackers, and hit a Penguin over the head with a Club tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribband, then made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hob- Nobbing with a Ginger Nut. Two accomplices, one known as Garybaldi and the other known only as Rich T. Unfortunately, they don’t have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammie Dodger might get away with it! Christmas Crackers!
The High Court in London has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the Houses of Parliament this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
When I was 5 yrs old, we were so poor, I remember coming downstairs on Christmas morning and there were two AAA batteries under the tree and a note saying: "Toys Not Included".
Thought for Thursday: This Christmas, be thankful for the bad things in life, for they open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before.
If you see a fat man, who’s jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit. And if he is laughing and chuckling away, whilst flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then let’s face it, you’re bladdered! Gerroff home! A merry Christmas to all my readers. Visit my Krimbo Jokey-Blog: www.ComedianUK.com Now, get shovelling that snow!