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Saturday, 22 October 2011

Gaddafi Latest! Another Dictator In The Pipeline?

Apparently, a badly wounded Gaddafi shot himself in the head, after rebels informed him that he was being taken to Stepping Hill Hospital...

Q) What's black and has two broken arms?
A) Colonel  Gaddafi's Raybans.

Yes folks, finally, after years of atrocities and the suffering of millions, it's over. Details are still to be confirmed, but Westlife are definitely splitting up.

A pal of mine attended an orgy and slept with three Thai girls last night.  He reckoned it was like winning the lottery.  He got six matching balls! 

Saw a homeless guy in Manchester city centre, sat in a cardboard box selling The Big Issue. I sez to him "I see you're still working from home then."

Ooooh, folly folly! I have just found out that my dad has an advanced form of dementia. I just hope and pray that it isn't hereditary and doesn't run in the family because my dad has got it as well.
After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.  He was busy covering his tallywacker with Cherry Blossom shoe polish. I said to him, "You pillock! You're supposed to turn your clock back!  On the same subject, I bumped into a dyslexic Yorkshireman today. He was wearing a cat flap.
This economic global downturn credit crisis recession gubbins really is quite appalling, in fact it's even worse than getting divorced! I’ve lost more than half of my assets, but I’m still lumbered with the missus!

Moreover, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, your investment  would be worth a derisory £49.00 today. If you had bought £1,000 worth of shares in AIG twelve months since, you would have a measly £33.00 today. If you had invested £1,000 in Lehman Brothers last year, your collateral would be NIL today. However, if you had treated yourself to a grands worth of beer a year ago, supped all the ale, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received £214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. You heard it first here folks!

A little girl and a little boy were at nursery. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, you wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his good fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary bloke," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men….

"I can't believe that you taped over our wedding video with a rubbish Stephen King film," she yelled. "I couldn't have," I replied. "We've only had a DVD player for the last ten years." "Well what's with the sticker with 'Misery' on it then?"

My wife rang me on Sunday afternoon. "Where are you?" she screamed. "I've been stuck outside the house in the pouring rain for an hour!" "I'm watching the Derby game and having a few beers with the lads," I said. "Well I need you to come and open the door for me," she snapped. "I've forgotten my key." "Calm down," I replied. "I'll send Barry through from the kitchen."

A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert.

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun, or do you just get lots more light? Email me: Batten down the hatches. The bleak midwinter is-a comin’! Now, get back to work!

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