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Monday, 31 October 2011

Trick or treat? The decision is yours...

It was officially the end of British summertime yesterday. As opposed to the unofficial end which was in May. The clocks have gone back, and the bleak winter season is forthcoming. I reckon that we must have a different type of clock in our house. I’ve been watching them for twelve hours now, and they are all still going forward. On a brighter note, I bring good news for all insomniacs - only three more sleeps until Christmas! Yes folks!  It's getting terribly close to that time of year when we all drag a dead tree into our living rooms and eat chocolate out of a sock. Fascinating!

Hallowe'en must be the only day each year when you won't open the door if they don’t look scary! A young lad knocked on my front door last weekend and sez, "Trick or Treat?" I asked, "What have you come as?" He said "A werewolf." I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in jeans and a T-Shirt." He replied, "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, you thick t**t?" Well, I just left him lying there. We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school.  Moreover, I hear on the grapevine that Jehovas' Witnesses don't like Hallowe'en at all. They can't stand people knocking on their door and mithering them. 

Q) What is brown and very lonely?
A) Colonel Gaddafi's camel.

I was driving down the High Street in a bit of a fluster, because I had an important meeting to attend at the betting shop, and couldn’t find a parking place anywhere. Looking up to heaven I said, "Lord, if you find me a parking space, I will change my ways, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and I will give up drinking beer". Just then, a parking place appeared. I looked up again and said, "Never mind, I just found one."

"What do we want?"
"Northern Irish Accents"
"When do we want them?"

The missus arrived back from her driving test. "So," I asked excitedly. "How did you get on?" "Not good." She replied, "He failed me." "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically, "It can't be that bad, what did he pull you up on?" "A chain." She replied "The cars still in the river."

I frightened the postman today by going to the door with no clothes on. I'm not really sure what scared him most, me in my birthday suit, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Twas good to see Mario Balotelli doing an awareness campaign for Fireworks night. Perhaps his team mate CarlosTevez may do summat for Hallowe’en. He wouldn't need a costume, because he has a face like a murderers labourer. I hear that Tevez plans to sue his boss Roberto Mancini. If his solicitor has any sense of humour, he'll refuse to come off the bench and defend him.

Give a person a fish and you will feed them for a day. Alternatively, get them on the internet and they won't bother you for many months.

Q) Why did the missus cross the road?
A) To go back into the very same shoe shop that we went in four f***ing hours ago!

Quote of the week: Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at It’s if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

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