Only dog owners will understand this....

                               

In Westminster, MP’s are expressing concern about the rise in knife crime. They then proceed to stab 17.4 million voters in the back. On Thursday 2nd of May, we will have our revenge!

                                       

A mate of mine is a dog handler with the Greater Manchester Police. One evening, he was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his van and commanded it to enter and seek out. Leaping from the back of the van, the dog headed for the building. After lurching through the doorway, the dog literally froze and backed out. My pal was perplexed, until he investigated further. Then he noticed the sign on the building: "Veterinary Practice." Only dog owners will understand this....



I was working in a hotel in Saltburn last weekend and I sez to concierge: "I'm sorry, I can't remember what room I am in ". He replied: "This is the lobby, sir..."



                                             

Last Wednesday, I drove past the house where I used to live when I was a kid and couldn’t resist knocking on the door, in the hope that I’d be able to wander around the old place and be cast back in time to the halcyon 70’s era. Anyway, they told me to sod off and never come back! Mind you, my dad always was a cantankerous old curmudgeon. He was very cruel when I was a nipper. He knew that I had a nut allergy and would play Russian Roulette with me, using a bag of Revels...


                                         

The man who created the worldwide chain of Showcase cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.



I’ve decided to attend Manchester Metropolitan University and I’m going to study astrology. Today, I have applied for a Russell Grant.

                       

I came home from the car boot sale on Sunday with a signed photo of Ronnie Corbett for just 50p, whilst Barmy Albert picked up a signed photo of Ronnie Barker for a paltry £1. So it was a good buy from me, and a good buy from him.



“I’ve taken up crown green bowls” Barmy Albert informed me. “Well if they have a referee in soccer and an umpire in cricket, then what do they have in bowls?” I asked him. He thought for a minute and replied: “Goldfish?”



The missus sez, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong."

I replied, "And whose fault is that?"



Thought for Thursday: The best time to make friends is before you need them.


                                                 

Network. Dream big. Plan ahead. Get up early. Stay focused. Stay off your phone. Read more books. Avoid lollygaggers and purveyors of egregious crapulate logorrhoea. Take risks. Write down your goals. Live on less than you earn. Make your health a top priority. Do deeds that matter to you. Learn from folk you admire. When you’ve done all that, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!



                                 

April Fools Day....

                                                  

April Fool’s Day was cancelled last Monday as nobody could match the shenanigans that is going on with our politicians at Westminster. Furthermore, The Sleeping beauty awoke after 100 years, turned to her Prince and sez: "Are we out of the EU yet?" Could the beginning of April actually be the end of May?

                                          

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine fella, who will give them sincere compliments they might not deserve. Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Non-Stick Nora arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was in the oven, and the table set. She was flabbergasted! It turns out that Barmy Albert had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to make love'. The night went very well. The next day, Nora told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Albert even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterwards?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that........... Albert was too tired.'



                                          

I have just taken up transcendental meditation. It certainly beats sitting around doing nowt all day.


                                

I was in a mobile phone shop at Crownpoint Shopping Centre: "This is a high-end, state-of-the art Apple Smart Watch," said the geezer. "It features full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by holding it up to your ear. You can surf the internet, update your Facebook status, send a tweet on Twitter, it also has a pedometer, telling you how many steps you’ve done and a heart monitor that checks your blood pressure!" "Sounds great," I said. "But then how would I tell the time?" He said, "That's what your mobile phone is for." Hmmm, methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely fruits...

                                          

I knocked on my neighbour's door yesterday, and said, "Sorry to be cheeky, but do you mind if I use your bathroom? Mine's out of order, at the present time." "Not at all, come on in," he laughed. About twenty minutes later he knocked the door and said, "Excuse me, but are you all right in there?" I shouted, "I'm spot on, matey. You need to buy more Radox bubble bath and shampoo, by the way."

                                  

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                                  

That's When The Fight Started!

                                          

The missus was whinging about putting on so much weight recently, and I innocently sez, “Maybe you should eat a little less, darling" She took the huff and shouted, "What's THAT supposed to mean?" I looked at her and replied, "It's a pronoun used to indicate a thing, concept, person, condition, happening, chronology, or maybe a remark". That's when the fight started....



Thought for Thursday: It's really strange how many comedians live at the Apollo. They must put ‘em on pallets.



The Wi-Fi was not working, so I chatted to the wife for a while. I was surprised that she’s no longer working at Woolworths.



I went to the doctors with a nasty cough, he asked me: "Have you started smoking again?"  I replied: "No why?" He sez: " Shame I'm selling 200 Lambert & Butler for forty quid.  After completing a thorough medical examination from the doctor, I asked, "Well Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor replied: "That's what puzzles me."



60 might be the new 40, but then 9pm is the new midnight! Innit awful gerrin auld!


                                                

I don't like selfish people. I saw this bloke pushing over forty-odd trolleys at Tesco yesterday morning. Really! Don’t you think someone else might want one? Disgraceful conduct.

Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the assistant, "I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife." The assistant asks, "Sheer?" The man replies "No. She's in Aldi at the moment."

                                         

The teacher is standing in front of her class, tutoring them about the spread of disease. "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? she asks. Little Tommy raises his hand to reply, "Don't bite any."


The odd-job man I hired was a total waste of time. I left him a list of 8 jobs to do and when I got back, he'd only done one, three, five and seven....

I bumped into my neighbour, Barmy Albert up Scropton St and he told me that he’d caught his 12 year old grandson looking up ladies skirts. I informed him that they tend to do that at his age. “No.” He opined. “This was on eBay!”
                                            

Sad news: my obese parrot has died. Good news: it's a huge weight off my shoulder....



I saw a woman wearing a silk sash that bore the legend: "Miss America." I walked up to her and said, "You should go back there then." Then there was an American bloke I met in Manchester. He sez: “Hey, boy, ya see that building over there, why back in the United States of America, we have buildings fifty times bigger!” I replied: “I’m not surprised, it’s a lunatic asylum!”

                                                     

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                 

Can You Perform Under Pressure?

                                     

It’s official! We will be leaving the EU as soon as the DFS sale finishes. You heard it first here folks!



                                   

The missus came home to find me in the scullery preparing a special candlelit gourmet meal. I was using our best china and had set elaborate place settings for two. “Oh this is a really nice surprise,” she whispered. “Too flamin’ right it is,” I replied, “I didn’t expect you back until Wednesday.”



Barmy Albert attended a job interview recently and he was asked if he could perform under pressure. He told the interviewer that he wasn’t sure, but he’d have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody...



Fascinating Fact: Without a doubt my favourite Robin Williams film is Mrs Fire.

                               

                                                         

Regular exercise can add valuable minutes to your life. This would enable you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at £1,000 per month.

                                 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two old gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’ The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’ The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’ ‘Do you mean a rose? ‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

                                       

His request approved, the BBC News photographer quickly used a mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let’s go”. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.” “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I’m a photographer for the BBC” , he responded, “and I need to get some close up shots.” The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, “So, what you’re telling me, is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?”


                                   

I've literally turned my life around. I used to be very argumentative and quite conceited. Now I'm very conceited and quite argumentative. Need counselling? Can’t sleep? Is Wetherspoons shut? Then why not visit my website! www.ComedianUK.com and click on my all new Jokey-Bloggington then assume a comical position and strike da pose! Now, get back to work!

Technobabble Gubbins...

This Cockney bloke sez to me: "Have you seen my cocaine?" "Not since he was in The Italian Job" I replied.."
                                           

The ex-missus started work on a cruise ship last week. Barmy Albert asked, "How's she getting on?" "I'm not sure." I replied. "I think they'll have to use a crane."

                           

I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, "Where the hell did you meet her? She's cross eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well!"



3D TV is brilliant! I've just watched the weather forecast and I'm soaked.



I rang PC World technical services, because I was having difficulties with my computer. I told her the problem. She sez ‘right click, go to tools-internet options- accounts, then properties’. I sez ‘hang on, slow down, I can’t keep up with all this!’ She sez, ‘What have you done up to now?’ I replied, ‘I’ve written click’….

                                           

All this technology gubbins drives ya doo-lally! I was watching a DVD last night and it had that bit at the beginning about copyright and piracy saying, “You wouldn’t steal a car, would you?” Well putting that into perspective, I might consider nicking a car if I could download it! That’s my problem, I have kleptomania, when it gets bad, I take summat for it.


                                 

A funeral service was being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, “Watch that wall!”



It’s was so cold last week, I opened the wardrobe door and my jacket had my overcoat on.



A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.” Two days later the kid asked her dad the same question.. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.” The confused girl returned to her mother and said, ” Mum , how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

                                         

My grandad’s going a bit deaf these days. We were talking about restaurants, and I asked him if he liked the ambience to be noisy, or quiet. He said, “I don’t care, as long as it gets me to the hospital.”



You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Blog too! Just clickety-click on: http://www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com


                                     

Nut Screws Washers etc

                                     

A cleaning woman was minding her own business and washing the office hallway as usual at 7pm, when the office workers had gone for the day. She swished her mop from side to side, like James Brown passing the microphone from one hand to the other. Whilst she did this, a loon had escaped from the local nuthouse, and was on the loose in the same town. This man was a dangerous cookie, and had a history of minor sex offences, and general inhuman behaviour. The man went for the nearest place that looked like safe cover, yes.....the same office block. He could see no lights and plundered in. As he tacked his way around the corridors he slipped on the wet surface and slid straight into the woman washing the floor. Let's call her Edna, as that was her name. He bundled her into a store room and miserably attempted to molest her. This was the serious part of the story. Anyway, there were other cleaners in the building who came to Edna's rescue and she was saved from the loon by her washers in arms. The loon went back on the run and fled the scene without capture. He is probably a politician by now or managing a League One football team. I digress. The Sun newspaper got wind of the story via a local tinpot gazette and printed the following headline, which I think is superb. NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS.

The Model....

                                                   

Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he'd been up to in the shed all afternoon. Albert sez: "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Kilimanjaro." Nora replied: "Is it to scale?"   Albert sez: "No. Just to look at...." Albert is a workaholic! If you mention work, he goes out on the beer!

Last weeks Oscar’s ceremony was surely a fitting tribute to the decadent lifestyle that the stars of the silver screen have to endure. Everyone who attended received a goodie bag containing £60,000 worth of complimentary items, ranging from an all expenses paid junket to Hawaii, staying at the luxurious Halekulani Hotel to a vintage silk kimono. A far cry from when (in 1977) I was voted top comedian at the Blackpool & Fylde Concert Secretaries Association and presented with a plastic trophy worth approximately two quid and billeted in a hotel which was so tacky, the staff nicked my towels!  !  There were no such things as defibrillators, back in those days. If you had a coronary, they had to drag you along the cheap nylon carpet and touch your finger to the brass door knob.

                                                   

Driving along a road in Oldham, I spied what appeared to be an exotic bird flying overhead. The creature was black, with a huge and striking red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled. "Toucan my eye!" said the wife "It’s a crow with its beak stuck in a McDonald’s fries carton.”



When George Grabknuckle discovered he was going to inherit a massive fortune when his octogenarian father eventually kicked the bucket, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her "but in just a year or three, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million pounds." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men and fickle too!




                             

The wife (or ‘Shrek in a frock’, as I lovingly refer to her) reckoned that we were overspending and that we must cut back on our outgoings. I decided to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a six-pack at weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but then I noticed one day when she came home from grocery shopping, the carrier bag contained thirty quids worth of makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I’ve given up beer and you haven’t given up anything!" She said, "I buy that make up for you, to make me look pretty." I replied, "What do you think the beer was for!
                                       

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of three-dimensional human existences. Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! You can email me on comedianuk@sky.com now, assume a comical position and strike the pose. Oh, and get back to work!