Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he'd been up to in the shed all afternoon. Albert sez: "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Kilimanjaro." Nora replied: "Is it to scale?" Albert sez: "No. Just to look at...." Albert is a workaholic! If you mention work, he goes out on the beer!
Last weeks Oscar’s ceremony was surely a fitting tribute to the decadent lifestyle that the stars of the silver screen have to endure. Everyone who attended received a goodie bag containing £60,000 worth of complimentary items, ranging from an all expenses paid junket to Hawaii, staying at the luxurious Halekulani Hotel to a vintage silk kimono. A far cry from when (in 1977) I was voted top comedian at the Blackpool & Fylde Concert Secretaries Association and presented with a plastic trophy worth approximately two quid and billeted in a hotel which was so tacky, the staff nicked my towels! ! There were no such things as defibrillators, back in those days. If you had a coronary, they had to drag you along the cheap nylon carpet and touch your finger to the brass door knob.
Driving along a road in Oldham, I spied what appeared to be an exotic bird flying overhead. The creature was black, with a huge and striking red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled. "Toucan my eye!" said the wife "It’s a crow with its beak stuck in a McDonald’s fries carton.”
When George Grabknuckle discovered he was going to inherit a massive fortune when his octogenarian father eventually kicked the bucket, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her "but in just a year or three, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million pounds." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men and fickle too!
The wife (or ‘Shrek in a frock’, as I lovingly refer to her) reckoned that we were overspending and that we must cut back on our outgoings. I decided to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a six-pack at weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but then I noticed one day when she came home from grocery shopping, the carrier bag contained thirty quids worth of makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I’ve given up beer and you haven’t given up anything!" She said, "I buy that make up for you, to make me look pretty." I replied, "What do you think the beer was for!
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