This Cockney bloke sez to me: "Have you seen my cocaine?" "Not since he was in The Italian Job" I replied.."
The ex-missus started work on a cruise ship last week. Barmy Albert asked, "How's she getting on?" "I'm not sure." I replied. "I think they'll have to use a crane."
I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, "Where the hell did you meet her? She's cross eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well!"
3D TV is brilliant! I've just watched the weather forecast and I'm soaked.
I rang PC World technical services, because I was having difficulties with my computer. I told her the problem. She sez ‘right click, go to tools-internet options- accounts, then properties’. I sez ‘hang on, slow down, I can’t keep up with all this!’ She sez, ‘What have you done up to now?’ I replied, ‘I’ve written click’….
All this technology gubbins drives ya doo-lally! I was watching a DVD last night and it had that bit at the beginning about copyright and piracy saying, “You wouldn’t steal a car, would you?” Well putting that into perspective, I might consider nicking a car if I could download it! That’s my problem, I have kleptomania, when it gets bad, I take summat for it.
A funeral service was being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, “Watch that wall!”
It’s was so cold last week, I opened the wardrobe door and my jacket had my overcoat on.
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.” Two days later the kid asked her dad the same question.. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.” The confused girl returned to her mother and said, ” Mum , how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
My grandad’s going a bit deaf these days. We were talking about restaurants, and I asked him if he liked the ambience to be noisy, or quiet. He said, “I don’t care, as long as it gets me to the hospital.”
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Blog too! Just clickety-click on: http://www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: email@example.com