Can You Perform Under Pressure?

                                     

It’s official! We will be leaving the EU as soon as the DFS sale finishes. You heard it first here folks!



                                   

The missus came home to find me in the scullery preparing a special candlelit gourmet meal. I was using our best china and had set elaborate place settings for two. “Oh this is a really nice surprise,” she whispered. “Too flamin’ right it is,” I replied, “I didn’t expect you back until Wednesday.”



Barmy Albert attended a job interview recently and he was asked if he could perform under pressure. He told the interviewer that he wasn’t sure, but he’d have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody...



Fascinating Fact: Without a doubt my favourite Robin Williams film is Mrs Fire.

                               

                                                         

Regular exercise can add valuable minutes to your life. This would enable you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at £1,000 per month.

                                 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two old gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’ The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’ The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’ ‘Do you mean a rose? ‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

                                       

His request approved, the BBC News photographer quickly used a mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let’s go”. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.” “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I’m a photographer for the BBC” , he responded, “and I need to get some close up shots.” The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, “So, what you’re telling me, is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?”


                                   

I've literally turned my life around. I used to be very argumentative and quite conceited. Now I'm very conceited and quite argumentative. Need counselling? Can’t sleep? Is Wetherspoons shut? Then why not visit my website! www.ComedianUK.com and click on my all new Jokey-Bloggington then assume a comical position and strike da pose! Now, get back to work!