Some Advice for 2016.....

     

The snow was so thick last weekend. I asked a snowman the time and he just stared at me. How heavy was the snowfall? Well, you could no longer see the fridges and washing machines in Non-Stick Nora’s front garden!



Non-Stick Nora went to see a spiritualist. In a dark, foreboding and ominous sanctuary, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Non-Stick Nora stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know the truth. Nora met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"


                

I came home with a dozen red roses and the wife sez, "Okay, what have you been up to?" I replied, "I've slept with your sister." She screamed at me, "If you think that a lousy bunch of flowers is gonna get you off the hook for that, then you're sadly very much mistaken!" I replied, "They're for your sister..."



The times they are a-changing! I overheard three boy scouts talking. First one sez, “They’re bringing back ‘Bob A Job’ Week.” The second scout replies, “What’s a bob?” The third one asks, “What’s a job?”



                  

The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one, free of charge.



I’ve always had an aversion to milk since I was very young. I still maintain this peccadillo right up to the present day. It’s because my mother ran off with the milkman when I was just a little kid. Watching them drive away on his float was probably the most miserable two hours of my entire life. Then just yesterday, the missus sez to me, “Nip to the Co-op and get a litre of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” I got back and she started ranting and raving at me. “You absolute moron! Why the heck have you brought back twelve litres of milk, for God’s sake?” With all the dignity I could muster, I replied, “They had eggs....”

                               

Thought for Thursday: A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.



If I could offer you some advice for 2016: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like you’re being filmed and you need the money. Only work when folk are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com




          

Congratulations!

                 
         

Start 2016 right! Don't forget to say those important three little words to your significant other. "I'm off out" Wimmin! A mass of contradictions! She announced, "Right! This new year we're keeping off bread & spuds and gonna lose all the weight that we've put on over Christmas." "Okay." I reply. "Do you want anything afore we go dog walking?" "Yes, I'll have a piece of toast." Then, I politely enquire, "Would you like fries with that?" I swear I never saw that frying pan whirling through the air.... OUCH! So now, my New Year resolution is to give up being a good example, I’ll just be a terrible warning instead!




     

Yesterday, whilst I was sauntering up Scropton Street, I saw a young woman wearing a silk sash that said, ‘Miss Syria.’ I walked straight up to her and sez, "You really should bugger off back there then."


     

Over the weekend, I went to B&Q at The Snipe and there was a bloke in front of me at the checkout and he had just bought a tube of that 'No More Nails' and a hammer! What's all that about then? There was a big banner up which bore the legend, ‘Stainless Steel Sinks’. I thought, “I already know that!”
If you’re ever bored and want to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day, I strongly recommend that you go into B & Q and play hide and seek with the staff. Here’s how to participate. You diligently patrol every aisle, however, still cannot find the item that you need. Suddenly, you spot an assistant sporting the trademark orange apron. You walk towards the orange apron and suddenly, it disappears! If you want some attention, here’s a tip. Try and start a chainsaw. You’ll get plenty of assistance then!
                 

                       

I hear on the grapevine that, they're putting one of those blue plaques outside the Celebrity Big Brother house. It is to bear the legend, "Whatsisname Lived Here."


             

Thought for Thursday: You know you're getting old when the missus sez, "Let’s run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Make your mind up, it’ll have to be one or the other, I can't do both."


                     

Last night, the missus sez to me, "Do you think I have too much make up on?" I replied, "It just depends if you're going out specifically to kill Batman or not...." Then the fight started....

                             

I’m still getting wretched nuisance phone calls from those scurrilous claims companies. They’re so annoying. “Have you ever worked in a noisy environment?” I only got to say, “Pardon?” seventeen times, before she hung up. Spoilsport!

                               

Happy New 2016 folks! Get out of the rut. Start a new rut! Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year. You know it’s the right thing to do! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                           

42 Thoughts For 2017....

                             

1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.
2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there's a 50% chance you'll die within the next 3 years.
3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There's a 9% chance that you'll meet one of them in your lifetime.
4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.
5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their mother.
6. If a part of your body "falls asleep", You can almost always "wake it up" by shaking your head.
7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing - food, attractive people and danger.
8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side.
9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.
10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years.
11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all.
12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.
13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.
14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.
15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia.
16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!!
17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water!!
18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell!!
19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!!
20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.
21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God's guidance for your purpose, today.
23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
24. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.
25. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
26. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts and things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
28. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.
30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
31. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
32. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
33. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
36. Help the needy, Be generous! Be a 'Giver' not a 'Taker'
37. What other people think of you is none of your business.
38. Time heals everything.
39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
40. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
                          

Happy New 2016, Folks!

   

Get ready for 2016! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year. You know it’s the right thing to do!



       

I was shopping with the wife at the local Tesco supermarket and suddenly couldn't find her, "I've lost the wife!" I muttered slightly louder than was really necessary. Then I heard a man's voice from the next aisle, "Some guys have all the luck!" Anyway, I started talking to a voluptuous young brunette woman, because whenever I do summat like that, the missus just seems to appear out of nowhere. I finally located her in the frozen food section. Apparently, she had leaned into the freezer in an attempt to extricate a packet of vichyssoise and five fish fingers grabbed her by the throat!


                   

Even during the Christmas holidays, I’m still getting wretched nuisance phone calls from those scurrilous claims companies. They’re so annoying. “Have you ever worked in a noisy environment?” I only got to say, “Pardon?” seventeen times, before she hung up. Spoilsport! Another call that I received from a claims company yesterday. "Have you had an accident in the last 6 months, either at work or in the car?" "Yes I have actually." I confessed, "It was at work, whilst sat at my desk." "I see..." came the reply, "And did you think about suing the company?" "Nope, I just went home and changed my boxer shorts."

                         

Doctor: "Your Mother-in-Law is in hospital".

Barmy Albert: "How is she?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical".

Barmy Albert: "Ah, you get used to that..."

                         

My New Year Resolution: I’ve decided to give up being a good example, I’ll just be a terrible warning instead.

                     

Over Christmas and New Year, we had family from far and wide visiting. Everyone was encouraged to bring all their kids too. During dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. Smiling, I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response. My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."


                     

Breaking News: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.



                                     

In 2016, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did, those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! Happy New Year to all my readers!!



                     

The Christmas Drinking Game....

     

I’ve just spotted Chris Rea on the M6 motorway. I wonder where he’s going?

Granny always wraps her Christmas presents up many months beforehand. Last year, she got me a lovely dog skeleton....

When travelling in extreme weather conditions, the government advises you that you should carry a shovel, a hazard light, a first aid kit, warm blankets, a flask and a non-perishable food hamper. I must admit, I looked a complete and utter moron on the bus this morning....

     

When Barmy Albert worked at the Royal Mail, he had the job of processing all the letters that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting, to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was all about.
The letter began:
Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Friday is Christmas Day, and I have invited two friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Yours Sincerely, Elsie Grabknuckle.

     
Barmy Albert was indeed touched. He showed the letter to all his co-workers. Each one dug into his or her pocket and came up with a few quid each. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:



Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to prepare a glorious turkey dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your really wonderful and much appreciated present. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those robbing swine’s at the Royal Mail. Yours Sincerely, Elsie Grabknuckle.


             

Even during the Christmas holidays, I’m still getting wretched nuisance phone calls from those scurrilous claims companies. They’re so annoying. “Have you ever worked in a noisy environment?” I only got to say, “Pardon?” seventeen times, before she hung up. Spoilsport!



A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was chock-a block, and as the wife turned to her husband, there was no sign of him. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. So she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was. Quietly he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." "Well, I'm in the pub next door."



I sez to the missus, “Christmas Day falls on a Friday this year.” She replied, “I hope it isn’t the 13th!”





Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my all new festive website! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com Email me: Comedianuk@sky.com

                     

Have A Cool Yule Folks!

If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbour’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “carol singing,” but if you’re doing it alone on the High St wearing a Santa outfit, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.”


These two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered. They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"
         

Fascinating Fact: During Christmas, alcohol does NOT make you fat. It makes you LEAN. Mostly against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
                         

Took the kid to see the pantomime. Apparently, Walt Disney owns the rights to the names of of the Dwarfs. Most productions have to change the names, to avoid paying royalties. In our panto they had The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause. There was: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Psycho, Bloated, Forgetful and Snapper.


At Christmas, why pay the earth for expensive presents such as jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together whole potatoes.

My missus asked me, "What did you buy me for Christmas?" "Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes Benz SL Class 5.0 SL500 2dr Cabriolet Sports car over there?” "Yes," she said cheerily. "Well I've bought you a hairbrush the exact same colour."

Thought for Thursday: You can tell that you’re getting old when: It takes twice as long, to look half as good.

           

At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.

Visit my Christmas Joky-Bloggington! Click on www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Have a cool Yule folks!



             

Only Two More Leeds Managers To Christmas, Folks!

^{Top of Form}

   
     

They say that lightning dosen’t strike twice. WRONG! Talk about gross misfortune. I got run over by a stretch limo on Monday morning. It took absolutely ages! Then to compound an already unfortunate farrago, yesterday, I was knocked down by, of all things, a mobile library. I was screaming in pain and anguish in the gutter and the librarian came out and shouted “Sshhhh!”




This teenage lad had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your flamin’ haircut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "So you’ve brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm annoyed that you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” His dad replied: "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?!!"

I saw the WORST faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, this bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out!



Doctor: "Your Mother-in-Law is in hospital".

Barmy Albert: "How is she?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical".

Barmy Albert: "Ah, you get used to that..."



Thought for Thursday: It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown and even fewer still to ignore someone completely.



To anyone suffering from paranoia, you're not alone. I received a call from my agent advising me that I have been booked to speak at the Paranoid Society Annual Xmas Dinner.

The agent told me that the organiser of the event would be calling me personally to confirm the booking. As soon as I put the phone down, it rang again immediately. I sez “Hello” and this voice informed me that he was Simon Gilberthorpe from the Paranoid Society. I replied, “I’ve just been talking about you.” And he hung up!





Ladies. Listen up! If I make you breakfast in bed, then a simple ‘Thank you’ is all I need in return. Not all this “How the hell did you get into my house?” rhetoric. Okay? Rant over!




Last Monday, someone whacked me over the cranium with a power tool. I was sat there minding my own business, when all of a sudden, Bosch!





Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!