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Monday 7 December 2015

Only Two More Leeds Managers To Christmas, Folks!

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They say that lightning dosen’t strike twice. WRONG! Talk about gross misfortune. I got run over by a stretch limo on Monday morning. It took absolutely ages! Then to compound an already unfortunate farrago, yesterday, I was knocked down by, of all things, a mobile library. I was screaming in pain and anguish in the gutter and the librarian came out and shouted “Sshhhh!”

This teenage lad had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your flamin’ haircut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "So you’ve brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm annoyed that you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” His dad replied: "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?!!"

I saw the WORST faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, this bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out!

Doctor: "Your Mother-in-Law is in hospital".

Barmy Albert: "How is she?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical".

Barmy Albert: "Ah, you get used to that..."

Thought for Thursday: It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown and even fewer still to ignore someone completely.

To anyone suffering from paranoia, you're not alone. I received a call from my agent advising me that I have been booked to speak at the Paranoid Society Annual Xmas Dinner.

The agent told me that the organiser of the event would be calling me personally to confirm the booking. As soon as I put the phone down, it rang again immediately. I sez “Hello” and this voice informed me that he was Simon Gilberthorpe from the Paranoid Society. I replied, “I’ve just been talking about you.” And he hung up!

Ladies. Listen up! If I make you breakfast in bed, then a simple ‘Thank you’ is all I need in return. Not all this “How the hell did you get into my house?” rhetoric. Okay? Rant over!

Last Monday, someone whacked me over the cranium with a power tool. I was sat there minding my own business, when all of a sudden, Bosch!

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website or email me: Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!


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