Happy New 2016, Folks!

   

Get ready for 2016! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year. You know it’s the right thing to do!



       

I was shopping with the wife at the local Tesco supermarket and suddenly couldn't find her, "I've lost the wife!" I muttered slightly louder than was really necessary. Then I heard a man's voice from the next aisle, "Some guys have all the luck!" Anyway, I started talking to a voluptuous young brunette woman, because whenever I do summat like that, the missus just seems to appear out of nowhere. I finally located her in the frozen food section. Apparently, she had leaned into the freezer in an attempt to extricate a packet of vichyssoise and five fish fingers grabbed her by the throat!


                   

Even during the Christmas holidays, I’m still getting wretched nuisance phone calls from those scurrilous claims companies. They’re so annoying. “Have you ever worked in a noisy environment?” I only got to say, “Pardon?” seventeen times, before she hung up. Spoilsport! Another call that I received from a claims company yesterday. "Have you had an accident in the last 6 months, either at work or in the car?" "Yes I have actually." I confessed, "It was at work, whilst sat at my desk." "I see..." came the reply, "And did you think about suing the company?" "Nope, I just went home and changed my boxer shorts."

                         

Doctor: "Your Mother-in-Law is in hospital".

Barmy Albert: "How is she?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical".

Barmy Albert: "Ah, you get used to that..."

                         

My New Year Resolution: I’ve decided to give up being a good example, I’ll just be a terrible warning instead.

                     

Over Christmas and New Year, we had family from far and wide visiting. Everyone was encouraged to bring all their kids too. During dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. Smiling, I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response. My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."


                     

Breaking News: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.



                                     

In 2016, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did, those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! Happy New Year to all my readers!!