If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbour’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “carol singing,” but if you’re doing it alone on the High St wearing a Santa outfit, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.”
These two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered. They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"
Fascinating Fact: During Christmas, alcohol does NOT make you fat. It makes you LEAN. Mostly against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
Took the kid to see the pantomime. Apparently, Walt Disney owns the rights to the names of of the Dwarfs. Most productions have to change the names, to avoid paying royalties. In our panto they had The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause. There was: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Psycho, Bloated, Forgetful and Snapper.
At Christmas, why pay the earth for expensive presents such as jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together whole potatoes.
My missus asked me, "What did you buy me for Christmas?" "Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes Benz SL Class 5.0 SL500 2dr Cabriolet Sports car over there?” "Yes," she said cheerily. "Well I've bought you a hairbrush the exact same colour."
Thought for Thursday: You can tell that you’re getting old when: It takes twice as long, to look half as good.
At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.
Visit my Christmas Joky-Bloggington! Click on www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Have a cool Yule folks!
These two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered. They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"
Fascinating Fact: During Christmas, alcohol does NOT make you fat. It makes you LEAN. Mostly against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
Took the kid to see the pantomime. Apparently, Walt Disney owns the rights to the names of of the Dwarfs. Most productions have to change the names, to avoid paying royalties. In our panto they had The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause. There was: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Psycho, Bloated, Forgetful and Snapper.
At Christmas, why pay the earth for expensive presents such as jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together whole potatoes.
My missus asked me, "What did you buy me for Christmas?" "Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes Benz SL Class 5.0 SL500 2dr Cabriolet Sports car over there?” "Yes," she said cheerily. "Well I've bought you a hairbrush the exact same colour."
Thought for Thursday: You can tell that you’re getting old when: It takes twice as long, to look half as good.
At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.
Visit my Christmas Joky-Bloggington! Click on www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Have a cool Yule folks!
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