Congratulations!

                 
         

Start 2016 right! Don't forget to say those important three little words to your significant other. "I'm off out" Wimmin! A mass of contradictions! She announced, "Right! This new year we're keeping off bread & spuds and gonna lose all the weight that we've put on over Christmas." "Okay." I reply. "Do you want anything afore we go dog walking?" "Yes, I'll have a piece of toast." Then, I politely enquire, "Would you like fries with that?" I swear I never saw that frying pan whirling through the air.... OUCH! So now, my New Year resolution is to give up being a good example, I’ll just be a terrible warning instead!




     

Yesterday, whilst I was sauntering up Scropton Street, I saw a young woman wearing a silk sash that said, ‘Miss Syria.’ I walked straight up to her and sez, "You really should bugger off back there then."


     

Over the weekend, I went to B&Q at The Snipe and there was a bloke in front of me at the checkout and he had just bought a tube of that 'No More Nails' and a hammer! What's all that about then? There was a big banner up which bore the legend, ‘Stainless Steel Sinks’. I thought, “I already know that!”
If you’re ever bored and want to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day, I strongly recommend that you go into B & Q and play hide and seek with the staff. Here’s how to participate. You diligently patrol every aisle, however, still cannot find the item that you need. Suddenly, you spot an assistant sporting the trademark orange apron. You walk towards the orange apron and suddenly, it disappears! If you want some attention, here’s a tip. Try and start a chainsaw. You’ll get plenty of assistance then!
                 

                       

I hear on the grapevine that, they're putting one of those blue plaques outside the Celebrity Big Brother house. It is to bear the legend, "Whatsisname Lived Here."


             

Thought for Thursday: You know you're getting old when the missus sez, "Let’s run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Make your mind up, it’ll have to be one or the other, I can't do both."


                     

Last night, the missus sez to me, "Do you think I have too much make up on?" I replied, "It just depends if you're going out specifically to kill Batman or not...." Then the fight started....

                             

I’m still getting wretched nuisance phone calls from those scurrilous claims companies. They’re so annoying. “Have you ever worked in a noisy environment?” I only got to say, “Pardon?” seventeen times, before she hung up. Spoilsport!

                               

Happy New 2016 folks! Get out of the rut. Start a new rut! Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year. You know it’s the right thing to do! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com