#karmawinsagain

           

Today is International Ladies Day! It was supposed to be yesterday, but they weren't ready in time....
                                 

I phoned my daughter’s school up yesterday morning. "I’m very sorry, but she won't be in today as she's not very well." "Oh dear," said her teacher, "what has she got?" "P.E, English and R.E, I think!”


                                 

Fascinating Fact: Statistics prove that one in every three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...


                                       

I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly, deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... : "Can you introduce me to Dave?"

                             

Thought for Thursday: Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious. - P. G. Wodehouse



                               

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were lying in bed one night. Albert was nodding off, but Nora was in a romantic mood and wanted to natter. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."Wearily, Albert reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she opined: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"


                     

The missus wants a divorce. She reckons that I think more about football, than I do about her. All this from a woman I have shared my life with for eleven seasons! She is also espousing much vitriol because of my obsession with metaphors. Well, it came straight out of the blue, I can tell you! It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me down with feather. Divorce is like algebra. You look at the ex and think ‘Y’...
                                 

Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle your socks off by howling at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website:  www.comedianuk.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!