The snow was so thick last weekend. I asked a snowman the time and he just stared at me. How heavy was the snowfall? Well, you could no longer see the fridges and washing machines in Non-Stick Nora’s front garden!
Non-Stick Nora went to see a spiritualist. In a dark, foreboding and ominous sanctuary, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Non-Stick Nora stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know the truth. Nora met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
I came home with a dozen red roses and the wife sez, "Okay, what have you been up to?" I replied, "I've slept with your sister." She screamed at me, "If you think that a lousy bunch of flowers is gonna get you off the hook for that, then you're sadly very much mistaken!" I replied, "They're for your sister..."
The times they are a-changing! I overheard three boy scouts talking. First one sez, “They’re bringing back ‘Bob A Job’ Week.” The second scout replies, “What’s a bob?” The third one asks, “What’s a job?”
The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one, free of charge.
I’ve always had an aversion to milk since I was very young. I still maintain this peccadillo right up to the present day. It’s because my mother ran off with the milkman when I was just a little kid. Watching them drive away on his float was probably the most miserable two hours of my entire life. Then just yesterday, the missus sez to me, “Nip to the Co-op and get a litre of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” I got back and she started ranting and raving at me. “You absolute moron! Why the heck have you brought back twelve litres of milk, for God’s sake?” With all the dignity I could muster, I replied, “They had eggs....”
Thought for Thursday: A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
If I could offer you some advice for 2016: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like you’re being filmed and you need the money. Only work when folk are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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