Truck Driver Joke...

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he says.

"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.


"Well, before you jump, give me a blowjob."

So, she does.


After she's finished, the trucker says,
"Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing a suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl" !!!!

"Quotes"

A member of Parliament to Disraeli : "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli , "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

BP Oilslick Blowout...

This pic shows the serious damage caused to the wildlife by

the recent BP blowout ...

I am volunteering right now to go down to the coast and help

clean the wildlife with my own two hands.

Economics in a nutshell....

Economics Teacher:    "Class, can you give me an example of complete business failure due to professional negligence?"



Johnny:   "A pregnant prostitute?"

Wilf McGuinness & Tommy Docherty...

The breadsnapper Susannah Nellie (13) asked me where I was going last Friday afternoon. I told her that I was speaking at a dinner in Bristol with Wilf McGuinness. She looked at me in a most perplexed manner and enquired “Who’s he?” I explained that he managed Manchester Untied in 1969, taking over the reins from Sir Matt Busby. I told her that the previous night, I was with Tommy Docherty who was also a famous (or infamous) manager of Manchester United in 1972. “Oh, that’s well good!” she sniffed, “when you work with someone more up to date, let me know” Innit awful when yer gerrin auld?

I do suppose that as one trudges through life’s rich tapestry, making the transition from cherub to trainee cadaver, ones outlook alters radically. When I was younger, I always thought that I would like to see the Rolling Stones before I die. Nowadays, I think that I’d like to see the Rolling Stones before THEY die!


It’s my birthday on the 5th of July. I thought that I’d do summat special this year. I considered having a tattoo, but I thought the neighbours might complain about the bagpipes.


I learn summat new every day! If the missus ever sez, "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...." "Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic at the end of the M67.

I've put on SO much weight lately. I fell downstairs the other night and the missus thought Eastenders was starting! I went to the doctors and sez “I’ve put on all this weight.” He looked at me and asked what I think has caused this weight gain. I sez, “Well, I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.” He gave me a thorough examination and concluded that I have an overactive knife and fork.

The Member of Parliament was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Mum," he shouted, "the results are in! I won the election!" "Honestly?" The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, Mum, why bring that up at a time like this?"

A shady character went into the bank, locked the door and put a balaclava on, he then took a gun out and said “This is a hold-up.” He approached the first customer in the queue, “Did you see my face, before I covered it?” The man sez “Yes, I did.” So the robber shot him. He asked the same question to next guy. “Did you see my face?” “No I didn't, but the wife did.”



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Is it your considered opinion that the lunatics have taken over the asylum? Do you suffer from a morbid curiosity and you are dying to know what is going on in my
backyard? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. Go on. Have a shufty. You know you want to. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

Dastardly Duchess..

The Duchess of York is alleged to have taken a cash bribe from an undercover national newspaper reporter in exchange for ‘opening doors.’ What’s all that about then? My grandad always said to me “Open as many doors as you can, son” It was quite ironic how he died. He was sucked out of an aeroplane! We used to call me granddad ‘Spiderman.’ Not coz he was very agile, he just couldn’t get out of the bath. He was a proper British craftsman. He used to stain floors. He didn’t mean to.....

It has to be said that the Duke of York was totally unaware of the under handed dealings that allegedly were perpetrated by dastardly Duchess. Prince Andrew reminds me of Christopher Columbus. When Columbus set sail, he didn’t know where he was going. When he arrived at his destination, he didn’t know where he was. When he returned, to these shores, he didn’t know where he’d been! Fascinating innit?

I received a very sad letter yesterday. It was written on an onion. I regret to have to inform both of my readers that my dear friend Tommy Figgis, who found fame as the ‘Human Cannonball’ at Blackpool Circus, has sadly passed away. They just don’t make men of that calibre any more.

I first met Tommy when starting out in show business. He eventually married the ‘Bearded Lady’ and soon after she became pregnant. I always remember saying to Tommy “Do you want a boy or a girl?” He curtly replied “I don’t give a damn as long as it fits in the cannon.”

It seems that the older you get, the more funerals one has to attend. I heard last week that Eric Grabknuckle the famous budgerigar impersonator had also died. It’s all so sad. Apparently, his funeral was attended by a few close friends, after which he was flushed down the toilet.

Eric Grabknuckle was indeed a character. The first woman he ever made love to was a suffragette. He only managed that because she was chained to the railings.



Ten Reasons Why Some Men Prefer To Have Dogs, Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog??


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for an hour. Then open the boot and see who's the happiest to see you.

Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!

Incredible Dialect...

I don't get even, I get odder. The missus was griping about my new keep fit regime. She was whining that I went out four nights running last week! This just proves that marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

When my daughter Nellie (13) was about 5 years old, she had an imaginary friend, who somehow possessed the rather sophisticated nom-de-plume of Copper Du Maze. I was constantly taking the Mickey out of her because of this, however, one day; she got upset and stormed into her bedroom, slamming the door. I knew that I had to set things straight and went into her room and declared: “I’m very sorry for having a go at you about your imaginary friend and would like to unreservedly apologise.” She looked at me, with tears in her eyes and proclaimed: “Thank you daddy.” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied: “I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to Copper Du Maze.”

My neighbour Barmy Albert is in big trouble again. After attending a party last week, he was so drunk that when he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off all his clothes and tiptoed up very quietly. It was only when he got to the top of the stairs he realized that he was on the bus!

It must be a really upsetting scenario if you had the gross misfortune to have worked at your local Job Centre and was fired and then you had to go in the following day and claim mitigating circumstances!

The maths teacher sez to little Jimmy, “What is four and four?” Jimmy replies “eight.”

The teacher sez “You’re cheating, you are counting on your fingers.”

So Jimmy, thrusts both his hands in his pockets and the teacher asks him, “what is ten and ten?”, Jimmy replies “Eleven!”



Isn’t the battle of the sexes glorious? The way men and women think is just so at opposites. This poem will confirm the same. Now read on:

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'



You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. When this moment occurs, then go and visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!