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Thursday 27 May 2010

Incredible Dialect...

I don't get even, I get odder. The missus was griping about my new keep fit regime. She was whining that I went out four nights running last week! This just proves that marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

When my daughter Nellie (13) was about 5 years old, she had an imaginary friend, who somehow possessed the rather sophisticated nom-de-plume of Copper Du Maze. I was constantly taking the Mickey out of her because of this, however, one day; she got upset and stormed into her bedroom, slamming the door. I knew that I had to set things straight and went into her room and declared: “I’m very sorry for having a go at you about your imaginary friend and would like to unreservedly apologise.” She looked at me, with tears in her eyes and proclaimed: “Thank you daddy.” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied: “I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to Copper Du Maze.”

My neighbour Barmy Albert is in big trouble again. After attending a party last week, he was so drunk that when he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off all his clothes and tiptoed up very quietly. It was only when he got to the top of the stairs he realized that he was on the bus!

It must be a really upsetting scenario if you had the gross misfortune to have worked at your local Job Centre and was fired and then you had to go in the following day and claim mitigating circumstances!

The maths teacher sez to little Jimmy, “What is four and four?” Jimmy replies “eight.”

The teacher sez “You’re cheating, you are counting on your fingers.”

So Jimmy, thrusts both his hands in his pockets and the teacher asks him, “what is ten and ten?”, Jimmy replies “Eleven!”

Isn’t the battle of the sexes glorious? The way men and women think is just so at opposites. This poem will confirm the same. Now read on:

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. When this moment occurs, then go and visit my website or email me: Now, get back to work!

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