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Thursday 27 May 2010

Dastardly Duchess..

The Duchess of York is alleged to have taken a cash bribe from an undercover national newspaper reporter in exchange for ‘opening doors.’ What’s all that about then? My grandad always said to me “Open as many doors as you can, son” It was quite ironic how he died. He was sucked out of an aeroplane! We used to call me granddad ‘Spiderman.’ Not coz he was very agile, he just couldn’t get out of the bath. He was a proper British craftsman. He used to stain floors. He didn’t mean to.....

It has to be said that the Duke of York was totally unaware of the under handed dealings that allegedly were perpetrated by dastardly Duchess. Prince Andrew reminds me of Christopher Columbus. When Columbus set sail, he didn’t know where he was going. When he arrived at his destination, he didn’t know where he was. When he returned, to these shores, he didn’t know where he’d been! Fascinating innit?

I received a very sad letter yesterday. It was written on an onion. I regret to have to inform both of my readers that my dear friend Tommy Figgis, who found fame as the ‘Human Cannonball’ at Blackpool Circus, has sadly passed away. They just don’t make men of that calibre any more.

I first met Tommy when starting out in show business. He eventually married the ‘Bearded Lady’ and soon after she became pregnant. I always remember saying to Tommy “Do you want a boy or a girl?” He curtly replied “I don’t give a damn as long as it fits in the cannon.”

It seems that the older you get, the more funerals one has to attend. I heard last week that Eric Grabknuckle the famous budgerigar impersonator had also died. It’s all so sad. Apparently, his funeral was attended by a few close friends, after which he was flushed down the toilet.

Eric Grabknuckle was indeed a character. The first woman he ever made love to was a suffragette. He only managed that because she was chained to the railings.

Ten Reasons Why Some Men Prefer To Have Dogs, Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog??

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for an hour. Then open the boot and see who's the happiest to see you.

Visit my website: and continue the quest!

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