Wilf McGuinness & Tommy Docherty...

The breadsnapper Susannah Nellie (13) asked me where I was going last Friday afternoon. I told her that I was speaking at a dinner in Bristol with Wilf McGuinness. She looked at me in a most perplexed manner and enquired “Who’s he?” I explained that he managed Manchester Untied in 1969, taking over the reins from Sir Matt Busby. I told her that the previous night, I was with Tommy Docherty who was also a famous (or infamous) manager of Manchester United in 1972. “Oh, that’s well good!” she sniffed, “when you work with someone more up to date, let me know” Innit awful when yer gerrin auld?

I do suppose that as one trudges through life’s rich tapestry, making the transition from cherub to trainee cadaver, ones outlook alters radically. When I was younger, I always thought that I would like to see the Rolling Stones before I die. Nowadays, I think that I’d like to see the Rolling Stones before THEY die!


It’s my birthday on the 5th of July. I thought that I’d do summat special this year. I considered having a tattoo, but I thought the neighbours might complain about the bagpipes.


I learn summat new every day! If the missus ever sez, "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...." "Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic at the end of the M67.

I've put on SO much weight lately. I fell downstairs the other night and the missus thought Eastenders was starting! I went to the doctors and sez “I’ve put on all this weight.” He looked at me and asked what I think has caused this weight gain. I sez, “Well, I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.” He gave me a thorough examination and concluded that I have an overactive knife and fork.

The Member of Parliament was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Mum," he shouted, "the results are in! I won the election!" "Honestly?" The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, Mum, why bring that up at a time like this?"

A shady character went into the bank, locked the door and put a balaclava on, he then took a gun out and said “This is a hold-up.” He approached the first customer in the queue, “Did you see my face, before I covered it?” The man sez “Yes, I did.” So the robber shot him. He asked the same question to next guy. “Did you see my face?” “No I didn't, but the wife did.”



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Is it your considered opinion that the lunatics have taken over the asylum? Do you suffer from a morbid curiosity and you are dying to know what is going on in my
backyard? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. Go on. Have a shufty. You know you want to. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!