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Monday 28 June 2010


One day, the teacher is asking all the children in class what their parents do for a living.

"My dad's a policeman miss" says David.

"That's nice" says the teacher.

"My dad's a teacher like you miss" says Stephen.

"Very good" says the teacher.

She then turns to Johnny. "So what does your daddy do for a living"?

Johnny replies: "My daddy works in a gay bar and takes all his clothes off, sometimes strange men give him money and he goes home with them, my uncle Tommy sez my dad is a chutney ferret" The teacher, more than a little taken aback by this disclosure, swiftly changes the subject. Later, when all the kids are going home, she takes Johnny to one side and says" Is what you told me really true? Does your dad really have to do that?" Johnny replies "No, none of that was true. My daddy actually plays football for England, but I didn’t want to humiliate myself and was far too embarrassed to say that in front of everybody!"

DEFRA ascertained that an outbreak of the notorious Bluetongue virus was a false alarm. Following an in-depth investigation, it was discovered that because of the hot weather, a herd of cows had been eating ice pops.

I had a flutter on Ebay last week. I bid £8,551 for an off- road vehicle. It arrived this morning. It was a kayak! What compounds an already unfortunate scenario is that now we have a water shortage!

I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to get lost! Anybody who fits into my clothes, certainly isn’t starving!

Q) What's the ideal weight for a solicitor?
A) About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

Give a man a fish and he will feed his family. Teach him how to fish, and he will wear a stoopid hat, sit in a boat and larrup down copious cans of beer all day long.

The missus (I call her ‘Babe’ – you’ve seen the film) is constantly ‘throwing a wobbler’ so I bought her a mood ring the other day, in order that I could monitor her untoward temperament. When she’s in a good mood it turns green. When she is in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on my forehead. Ouch! There it goes again!

Got Barbequeitis? Sun crackin’ the flags? Being attacked by butterflies? Take a break from the fresh air of outdoors and enlighten yourself and broaden your parochial horizons by digesting this gloppy column. Then you can tell all your pals about my Jokey-Blog! Just click on and follow the link. Oh, don'

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