Funny Old World (Cup)

The World Cup would appears to have turned out like World War 2. The French surrender early, the USA arrive at the last minute and, we are left to sort out the Germans! No change there then innit!

FIFA have released a statement saying the fan did not break into the England dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green. The hapless goalie has signed up to appear in future Teflon advertisements. Kermit the Frog was spot on, it's not easy being Green.

One day, the teacher is asking all the children in class what their parents do for a living.

"My dad's a policeman miss" says David.

"That's nice" says the teacher.

"My dad's a teacher like you miss" says Stephen.

"Very good" says the teacher.

She then turns to Johnny. "So what does your daddy do for a living"?

Johnny replies: "My daddy works down the sewers and has to flush them all out with a big high pressure hosepipe and when he gets home he don’t half stink! The teacher, more than a little taken aback by this revelation, swiftly changes the subject. Later, when all the kids are going home, she takes Johnny to one side and says" Is what you told me really true? Does your daddy really do that?" Johnny replies "No, none of that was true. My daddy actually plays football for England, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of everybody!"



DEFRA assumed that a local farmer had cattle that were suffering from the notorious Bluetongue virus. After further investigation, it was found that because of the hot weather, the cows had merely been eating ice pops.

I had a flutter on Ebay last week. I bid £7,000 for an off- road vehicle. It arrived this morning. It was a kayak! What compounds an already unfortunate scenario is that now we have a water shortage!


I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to get lost! Anybody who fits into my clothes, certainly isn’t starving!

Q) What's the ideal weight for a solicitor?
A) About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will wear a stoopid hat, sit in a boat and larrup down copious cans of beer all day.

The missus (I call her ‘Babe’ – you’ve seen the film) is constantly ‘throwing a wobbler,’ so I bought her a mood ring the other day, in order that I could monitor her wholly untoward temperament. When she’s in a good mood it turns green. When she is in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on my forehead. Ouch! There it goes again!

Being attacked by butterflies? Take a break from the fresh air of outdoors and enlighten yourself and broaden your parochial horizons by reading my gloppy column. Then you can tell all your pals about my Jokey-Blog! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com and follow the link. Oh, don't forget to warn them about the attacking butterflies while you are at it.