Charisma & Presence...

NEVER Light up a palm tree!!

Christmas is like any other day for most blokes. Sat at the table with a plump bird that dosen't gobble any more. Ho Ho Ho Hum.....

We were having a Christmas 'do' in a local restaurant and the waiter came across and asked the missus, "Would you like to order?"  The wife sez, "I don't like nowt on the menu."  Quick as a flash, the waiter sez, "Would you like to hear the specials, madam?"  She replied , "Yes, I would."  The waiter sez, "Dis place. comin' like a ghost town..." Ah hah....

Dyslexic geezer in a pub went up to this girl on Christmas Eve and sez, "Can I kiss you under the camel toe?" That's when the fight started!

I really upset the missus on Christmas day by calling her mother a witch. To be fair I don't really think her mother is a witch. But, when someone asks you, "Why did you set my mum on fire?" Being a comedian, you just have to ad-lib and think on your feet!

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

I would like to share a personal experience with all my readers about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. On Christmas Eve, I was out for an evening with Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora at my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, then we went into Staley-Vegas to a night club, had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before, I took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police road check but, since it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before.

I sez to this bird in the pub, "Can I kiss you under the mistletoe?" She replied, " I wouldn't kiss you under an anaesthetic!"..... Oh dear, hat & coat time already..

Yesterday, I informed Barmy Albert, "According to my new calendar, Christmas Day is on a Friday next year". He looked at me and replied, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." They walk amongst us!

The missus found a pair of ladies knickers in me jacket pocket. "What's all this then?" She demanded. "They're me Christmas knickers." I sez. "What do you mean?" She asked. "They're Carol's" I replied....

Thought for Thursday: Divorce is very much like algebra. You look at your X and think Y.

A Jewish Christmas

The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

 Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from our Toy Shop. We all pile into the Rolls Royce drive to Dad's Shop. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus". Then we all fly off to the Barbados!"


                                         Christmas Day Exercise Routine....

All the local kids are taking the piss out of my having Alzheimers. The joke will be on them come Christmas day morning when they find that there are no eggs under the bonfire!

The Zipper and Obama meets the Thai Prime Minister...

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'


The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends

Have a cool yule!

Santa says to his chief elf, "I'm sick of the same old rubbish, year after year. I run about like a moron in this stupid red outfit, and at the end of each year I've got absolutely zero to show for it". His elf replies "How do you think Stephen Gerrard feels?"

Divorce is much akin to algebra. Have you ever looked at the X and wondered Y?

I went to the doctors yesterday and after a thorough examination, he reckons that I might have contracted pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but at the moment it's hard to say.

"Don't open that wardrobe door", screamed the missus, "Your Christmas present is in there!" "Too late," I said, pulling open the door. "You do get me the most awful presents!" I said, peering inside. "Why would I want a half- naked milkman?"

After queuing at Tesco for what seemed ages, I finally got to the checkout and asked the girl, “Can’t you do this any cheaper?”    "I'm afraid not" she sniffed, “If we did it for you, then we would have to do it for everybody".  “Yes, I agree,” I sez,   “but it has today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get chucked away in any event."  She gazed at me, with a saturnine grimace and replied, "Look sir, you're holding up the queue, do you want this newspaper or not?"

It was Christmas and the judge was not in a very merry mood. He asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?”  The prisoner replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early." "That’s no crime," said the judge. "Just how early were you doing this shopping?   "Before the store opened," answered the prisoner.

Thought for Thursday: Why doesn’t the local council use all the tarmac they squander making road humps to fill all the copious potholes in our ravaged highway infrastucture? 

With Christmastide on the horizon, I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchen cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ in September 2008. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk.   Now, get back to work and shovel that snow!

For the Christmas period....

A study conducted by University of Manchester Institute of Science & Technology has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a pair of scissors lodged in his chest with a cricket bat up his arse while he is set on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

Ten things you can only say at Christmas....

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS


1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.  






REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME



According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known ... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!

THE CHAV NATIVITY:
There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?) She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyfriend, Joey, innit? He well fit ann does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib darn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like `Oi Oo ya lookin at?’ Gabriel just goes ‘You got one in da club.’ Mary’s totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I aint never bin wiv no one!’ Yeah, but no, but yeah!

Two Feet of Snow.....

Its late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Weather Network and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the Weather Network again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?  'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. 'Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold? 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters that we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

Rio Ferdinand hit by coin!!

You can tell that the build up to the 2016 Olympics in Brazil have now started. People are already throwing money at Rio.



It has been confirmed that the coin that struck Rio Ferdinand was actually a Euro, and Man City fans no longer have any need for them



The Rio Ferdinand coin throwing incident would never of happened at Anfield. Nobody would get hurt when you throw a Giro!

Fishing With A Hand Grenade? Don't do this at home folks!!

www.Comedian.ws

New Statue of Sir Alex Ferguson..

The first Christmas joke - and it is Scottish!!! A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

    H from Steps is brown bread!

The importance of accuracy in your tax return....

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Glossop, Derbyshire after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question, Do you have anyone dependant on you?
The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission"

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was "Who did I miss out?".

Fighter Pilots Comment....

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Navy Fighter Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!

Actual crack in a window frame! Fliers beware of the sub-standard maintenance on the airplanes that you travel in. This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a 737.

Seven Advantages of Mothers Milk....

The truth of the matter.....




Students in an advanced Biology class at the University of Manchester were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.




However, he wrote:




1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.




He got an A

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS ....

1. A man comes into the A & E and yells. . .
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began
to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco


2.... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the
patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3.. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was
a tattoo that read . .. .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . .. . . . . . . . . . . THE FUNNIEST?


Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!



A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

Rugby Player Joke....

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player.

They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."





Then the man drops his underwear and on his tallywacker,  he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!


It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

What is going on?

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that the Russians or the Chinese are up to summat? Perchance, it might be linked to nuclear waste being accumulated in Korea, or those awful oil fires in Iraq? Either way, David Cameron should grasp the nettle and act quickly to resolve this unfortunate farrago. Come on Prime Minister, send Nick Clegg round with a rake!

A man is making love to his wife. He asks her "Can you moan a bit to get me more excited?" She says "the taps dripping, you ain't put the bins out, I need more housekeeping money, the mortgage is overdue and your breath stinks summat putrid."

Upon deciding to go to a really trendy nightclub in Manchester last weekend, the doorman gazed at me and declared, "Sorry mate, but I think you've had a few too many." "Drinks?” I asked. He replied, "No, I meant birthdays."


My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face. My sister went fucking mental when she looked in his pram.


I'm not saying the missus has put on a lot of weight, but I've had to put an energy-saving light bulb in the fridge!  She sez she's going to go on a diet, because her hand won't fit in the Pringles tub anymore.  You could'nt make it up.  Could you?

I saw my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert walking down the High Street the other day, I said, "Alright chum?" He replied, "Don't, call me that, it sounds like dog food!!"
I said, "Sorry pal"


Woman on Dragons' Den sez, "I've got a wand shaped device which makes men disappear and I want £50,000 for a 50% share"    Peter Jones; "Can I have a shufty?".  Peter studies it for a moment or two, then replies, "What you have there is a home pregnancy testing kit with a blue indicator."


A little guy is sat at the bar, when all of a sudden a geezer smacks him in the face and says "that's Kung Fu from Japan". A bit later the guy smacks him again and says "that's Karate from Korea". The little guy gets up and leaves the bar. A short time later he comes back and smacks the fella knocking him out cold and says to the barman, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a f***ing shovel from B&Q".

I was down the pub with my mate "She's been cheating on me" said Dave "We've all been there mate" I replied  "What your missus has cheated on you too?" He asked,  " No mate"I laughed "I meant we've all shagged your missus...

Jim, Dave and Eric died and arrived at the gate, St Paul explains to them: 'Heaven is a very big place and you need a car to get around. The car you get depends solely on how faithful you were to your spouse while you were alive'. Jim was married for 15 years and cheated on his wife 3 times so he got a Citi Golf 1.4. Dave was married 20 years and cheated on his wife once so he got a Toyota Camry 2.4 VVTi. Eric was married for 50 years and never cheated on his wife so he got a BMW 745i. Jim and Dave were very envious of Eric! A couple of months later Jim and Dave see Eric sitting on the pavement crying...
Dave asks: 'What's wrong buddy?'
Eric replies: 'I just saw my wife'
Jim asks: 'So why are you crying?'
Eric says: 'She was on a bicycle!


Some kids stopped me outside the off-licence yesterday and said, "Hey mate, will you go in there and get us ten Richmond?" "Sure I will," I replied, taking their money. On the way out I gave them their sausages and informed them they only come in packs of eight!


The missus asked me if I could remember exactly how many women had I dated over the years. I replied, “I really don't want to answer that, darling, you know I've had a past andI don't want to upset you” “C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it” So I had to sit there and count them all. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12." And that’s when the fight started!


Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com    Now, get back to work!

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD....

1.. U can't count your hair
2.. U can't wash your eyes with soap
3.. U can't breathe when your tongue is out
Put your tongue back in you fool.

10 Things I know about you...
1) U are reading this
2) U are human.
3) U can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
4) U just attempted to do it
6) U are laughing at yourself
7) U have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
8) U just checked to see if there is a No.5
9) U laugh at this because you did this & everyone else does it too !!!!
10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it....

Being British is all about driving a German car to an Irish pub for Belgian beer, then grabbing an Indian curry to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV....

Battle of the sexes...

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"
He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles...

He was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"
He said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
He said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".


His girlfriend has just asked him how many women he's shagged.
He said, 'I really don't want to answer that love, you know I've had a past & I don't want to upset you!'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'
So he had to sit there and count them all.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12."

I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living. The barman was crushed to death


She was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this".
He replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".

The Irish Bic Lighter....

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle
box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in
his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears

back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, ‘What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

Sex in heaven?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.   Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.  After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Norfolk!"

Scam!!!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out Of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket store, in my case, Tesco at Glossop. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on September 4th, 9th &10th, twice on the 15th, again on 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also on October 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th, twice yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend!! P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl's are £1.75 and look better.

So, watch out...

Getting it all wrong (again).....

We men tend to misinterpret exactly what the opposite sex are endeavouring to convey.   Last year, the missus asked me to take her to see ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ and I got it all totally incorrect.  Dropping her off on the Somalian coastline wasn’t exactly what she anticipated. 

Moreover, last week was my birthday and I didn't feel too clever when I awakened on the day. I staggered downstairs for breakfast, hoping that the wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and just maybe have a small present for me.  As things turned out, she barely said anything, let alone ‘Many Happy Returns’. I surmised that marriage is like that, however, the kid will definitely remember my special day. She eventually came bounding downstairs, and didn't even utter a monosyllable.  Consequently, when I left for the gig that afternoon, I felt pretty low and quite despondent.   As I walked into the venue where I was working, my new agent, who is a lovely, gorgeous girl called Sylvia, who said, “Good Morning, and by the way,   Happy Birthday!”  I was consoled by the fact that at least someone had remembered this special occasion.  After speaking at the luncheon at about 4pm, Sylvia knocked on my dressing room door and declared, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out for a few beers, just you and me....”   I   replied, “Cheers, Sylvia, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!” We went to my local pub, ‘The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife’ and had a few sherbets. Then we went to a different pub, where we wouldn’t normally frequent, and had a few more drinks there.

I got carried away and had copious pints of beer, followed by several Zambuca shot chasers, in addition to a packet of salted peanuts, plus a bag of pork scratchings.   Having enjoyed the afternoon tremendously, Sylvia looked at me in a most provocative and seductive manner, then with eyes like burning embers, she suddenly proclaimed,   “You know, it's been such an enjoyable day, you don't need to go straight back, do you?”   I responded, “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?”  She replied “Why not let’s drop by my place, it's just around the corner, I intend to surprise you!”  Upon arriving at her house, Sylvia turned to me and said, “If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”  “Alright”, I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom, then  after what seemed an eternity, she came out carrying a massive birthday cake, followed by the missus, the  kid, and dozens of my  friends and showbiz colleagues, all singing 'Happy Birthday To You!, Happy Birthday To You!'. I was flabbergasted and I just sat there on the settee.  Completely naked....  

I fully realise that laughter isn't for everyone. It's only for folk who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive. Exercise your guffaw glands today!  Have a chortle on me! Visit my website  www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!  You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                                                                                                    

What do Manchester City and a three point plug have in common? They're both useless in Europe.

Ian Holloway Quotes...

QPR boss Holloway came up with the quote of the century to describe his team's lacklustre performance against Chesterfield in 2003.

"To put it in gentleman's terms, if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, you've done what you set out to do. We didn't look our best today but we've pulled. Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks they're not. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She may not have been the best looking lady we ended up taking home but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let's have coffee."



"Every dog has its day - and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark."

Holloway searches for a chink in the armour of Cristiano Ronaldo in his BBC column in 2008.
"He's six-foot something, fit as a flea, good-looking - he's got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he's hung like a hamster! That would make us all feel better!"

Holloway bounces back into management with Blackpool in 2009.
"One minute I was painting the lounge, the next I'm being asked to manage a Championship side. My wife will have to finish the glossing."

Holloway on his Blackpool players after the 4-1 defeat by his future employers Crystal Palace, also in October 2009.
"If you're a burglar, it's no good poncing about outside somebody's house, looking good with your swag bag ready. Just get in there, burgle them and come out. I don't advocate that obviously, it's just an analogy."

Holloway denies reports he is ready to leave Bloomfield Road in January 2010.
"I am more than happy [at Blackpool] and I am afraid the chairman will need a hell of a tub of cream to get rid of me - I'm like a bad rash and not easily curable."
Some more random Holloway one-liners....
"I love Blackpool. We're very similar. We both look better in the dark."

"Paul Furlong is my vintage Rolls Royce and he cost me nothing. We polish him, look after him, and I have him fine-tuned by my mechanics. We take good care of him because we have to drive him every day, not just save him for weddings."

"'I have such bad luck at the moment that if I fell in a barrel of boobs I'd come out sucking my thumb."

"[Plymouth defender] Hasney Aljofree's bust his hooter. He can smell round corners now."

"I am a football manager. I can't see into the future. Last year I thought I was going to Cornwall on my holidays but I ended up going to Lyme Regis."

"Most of our fans get behind us and are fantastic, but those who don't should shut the hell up or they can come round my house and I will fight them."

"It was lucky that the linesman wasn't stood in front of me as I would have poked him with a stick to make sure he was awake."

Thinking outside the square....

                                                 An ethical dilemma - what would you do ?

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired by PETROFAC for a staff position (out of 20 applicants), had no trouble coming up with an answer.
WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. And I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."


BUT....the correct answer is………..
to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, shag the perfect partner against the bus stop and drive off for a beer with the old friend.

Addlepated Blather...

Sometimes, I wonder why is there enough tarmac to make speed humps, yet there's never enough to fill in pot holes in our ravaged road infrastucture.


This coming Tuesaday, millions of Americans will wake up, and be forced to make a crucial decision. Will it be a Big Mac or a Quarter Pounder for breakfast?

On Bonfire Night, never go back to a firework, no matter how many times it says "I'm really sorry, I was drunk. I still love you"....

I hear on the grapevine that Eric Clapton was on 6 Music earlier saying how Savile's career really took off in 1967 when backstage at Top of the Pops, he introduced Cream to the Small Faces...


I reckon most of Jimmy Saviles victims must be Man City supporters. They say f**k all for 40 years, then all pipe up at once!

Lawyers should have never asked a Derbyshire grandmother a certain question if they weren’t prepared for the answer. In a court case, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams, I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two bit pen pusher..... Yes, I know you."

The solicitor was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the village. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife....
Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both solicitors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, I'll send the pair of you both down for a ten year stretch in Strangeways!"



"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you? It goes in one ear and straight out of the other." This always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me. I took her to my local pub disco at The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, last weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had; break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the whole nine yards. The missus turned to me and sez, "See that fella over there, twenty five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." I replied, "Looks like he's still flamin’ celebrating!"



Popped into a cafe on the High Street yesterday. I shouted over the waitress and curtly informed her, "This all-day breakfast is stone cold." She replied, "Well what did you expect? It's been there all day!"



Teacher asks 9 year old Ben in class, “Spell the word ‘Straight.’ Ben answers, “S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T, miss.” “Correct, now what does it mean?” enquired the teacher. Ben thought for a moment and replied, “Without water, miss”.



Thought for Thursday: There is no pleasure in having nothing whatsoever to do; the real fun is in having loads to do and not doing it...


This whimsical column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com                 Email me: comedianuk@sky.com

Kids!

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a birthday party.


"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"



The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend .

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"



Because you only got an F in sex."

The Devil....

A few minutes before the church services started,

the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance,

trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman

who sat calmly in his pew without moving,

seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's

ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound,

horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,

'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

 

The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

 

Jimmy Savile Latest!

One sick individual, now universally loathed by a nation for shafting the innocent. Seen here with Jimmy Saville...



It's a shame that everyone is bad mouthing Jimmy Savile. When I was nine, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

Yesterday morning, in Manchester city centre, I saw a homeless fella sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside Piccadilly station. Not wishing to disturb his slumber, I crept over and carefully placed a large Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box. He awakened immediately and cheerily exclaimed, "Cheers mate, thank you very much." "No problem." I replied. He looked at me again and sez, "It's empty!" I replied, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney pot."

Nick Clegg phoned The Samaritans and opined, "Everybody hates me, so I'm lying on the railway track at Euston waiting for the train to come". After a minute the voice replied, "Just remain calm Nick and stay on the line.”

A group of old-aged pensioners were sitting around talking about all their ailments at McDonald's.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of tea," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my tea." "I couldn't even mark an "X" on polling day, my hands are so arthritic," volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you”, said one elderly lady! "I can't move my head because of the pain in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me go doo-lally!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting auld," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully."Thank God we can all still drive."


I was in our local Tesco, with my significant other, and picked up a case of Stella Artois and plonked it in the trolley. “What do you think you're up to?” screamed the missus. “They're on special offer, only fifteen quid for two dozen bottles” I replied. “Put them back, we can't afford them,” she sniffed, and we carried on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the wife picked up a £30 jar of face cream and put it in the trolley. “What do you think you're doing?” I politely enquired. “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful” replied the missus. I gazed at her with a saturnine grimace and retorted: “So does twenty four bottles of Stella and they are half the price!”

Apparently, Alan Pardew told his Newcastle United players about the clubs new sponsorship deal with Wonga.com. He sez "Just get out on the pitch and give it 4107%."

I phoned SeaWorld aquarium to buy tickets for this weekend. They said that the call may be recorded for training porpoises...

It was difficult battling with my chronic addiction to the Hokey - Cokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about...






More Jimmy Savile.....

BBC news channel have just displayed images of the 3 women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken from the 1970's, The caption read, now, then, now, then, now, then..........

Coastguards confirm Jimmy Savile is not dead. He's been spotted off the Scarborough coast bobbing up and down on a small buoy.........


To save the police time and money in the ongoing Jimmy Savile investigation, it might be quicker if those who weren't abused by Jimmy Savile come forward..........


I don't believe these allegations against Jimmy Savile. I met him in Leeds General Hospital in the 1980's and he seemed very nice. Next, people will be telling me he wasn't qualified to perform my prostate examination......

Police believe Jimmy Savile is currently part of an underground paedophile ring.........

There's a new cream for young girls to put on their itchy fannies, it's called Savile-on!!

When will these Jimmy Savile sex allegations ever end? Police are now saying Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it........

A mob of dyslexic parents have just kicked the fcuk out of Jimmy Somerville!


I see Jimmy Savile's family have removed his gravestone along with all the flowers growing it as a sign of respect to the victims. So it just leaves a small hole with no bush around it. Just what Jimmy would have wanted......


Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn't be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!