Have a cool yule!

Santa says to his chief elf, "I'm sick of the same old rubbish, year after year. I run about like a moron in this stupid red outfit, and at the end of each year I've got absolutely zero to show for it". His elf replies "How do you think Stephen Gerrard feels?"

Divorce is much akin to algebra. Have you ever looked at the X and wondered Y?

I went to the doctors yesterday and after a thorough examination, he reckons that I might have contracted pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but at the moment it's hard to say.

"Don't open that wardrobe door", screamed the missus, "Your Christmas present is in there!" "Too late," I said, pulling open the door. "You do get me the most awful presents!" I said, peering inside. "Why would I want a half- naked milkman?"

After queuing at Tesco for what seemed ages, I finally got to the checkout and asked the girl, “Can’t you do this any cheaper?”    "I'm afraid not" she sniffed, “If we did it for you, then we would have to do it for everybody".  “Yes, I agree,” I sez,   “but it has today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get chucked away in any event."  She gazed at me, with a saturnine grimace and replied, "Look sir, you're holding up the queue, do you want this newspaper or not?"

It was Christmas and the judge was not in a very merry mood. He asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?”  The prisoner replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early." "That’s no crime," said the judge. "Just how early were you doing this shopping?   "Before the store opened," answered the prisoner.

Thought for Thursday: Why doesn’t the local council use all the tarmac they squander making road humps to fill all the copious potholes in our ravaged highway infrastucture? 

With Christmastide on the horizon, I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchen cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ in September 2008. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk.   Now, get back to work and shovel that snow!