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Wednesday 26 December 2012

Charisma & Presence...

NEVER Light up a palm tree!!

Christmas is like any other day for most blokes. Sat at the table with a plump bird that dosen't gobble any more. Ho Ho Ho Hum.....

We were having a Christmas 'do' in a local restaurant and the waiter came across and asked the missus, "Would you like to order?"  The wife sez, "I don't like nowt on the menu."  Quick as a flash, the waiter sez, "Would you like to hear the specials, madam?"  She replied , "Yes, I would."  The waiter sez, "Dis place. comin' like a ghost town..." Ah hah....

Dyslexic geezer in a pub went up to this girl on Christmas Eve and sez, "Can I kiss you under the camel toe?" That's when the fight started!

I really upset the missus on Christmas day by calling her mother a witch. To be fair I don't really think her mother is a witch. But, when someone asks you, "Why did you set my mum on fire?" Being a comedian, you just have to ad-lib and think on your feet!

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

I would like to share a personal experience with all my readers about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. On Christmas Eve, I was out for an evening with Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora at my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, then we went into Staley-Vegas to a night club, had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before, I took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police road check but, since it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before.

I sez to this bird in the pub, "Can I kiss you under the mistletoe?" She replied, " I wouldn't kiss you under an anaesthetic!"..... Oh dear, hat & coat time already..

Yesterday, I informed Barmy Albert, "According to my new calendar, Christmas Day is on a Friday next year". He looked at me and replied, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." They walk amongst us!

The missus found a pair of ladies knickers in me jacket pocket. "What's all this then?" She demanded. "They're me Christmas knickers." I sez. "What do you mean?" She asked. "They're Carol's" I replied....

Thought for Thursday: Divorce is very much like algebra. You look at your X and think Y.

A Jewish Christmas

The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?
 Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from our Toy Shop. We all pile into the Rolls Royce drive to Dad's Shop. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus". Then we all fly off to the Barbados!"

                                         Christmas Day Exercise Routine....

All the local kids are taking the piss out of my having Alzheimers. The joke will be on them come Christmas day morning when they find that there are no eggs under the bonfire!

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