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Monday 5 November 2012

Addlepated Blather...

Sometimes, I wonder why is there enough tarmac to make speed humps, yet there's never enough to fill in pot holes in our ravaged road infrastucture.

This coming Tuesaday, millions of Americans will wake up, and be forced to make a crucial decision. Will it be a Big Mac or a Quarter Pounder for breakfast?

On Bonfire Night, never go back to a firework, no matter how many times it says "I'm really sorry, I was drunk. I still love you"....

I hear on the grapevine that Eric Clapton was on 6 Music earlier saying how Savile's career really took off in 1967 when backstage at Top of the Pops, he introduced Cream to the Small Faces...

I reckon most of Jimmy Saviles victims must be Man City supporters. They say f**k all for 40 years, then all pipe up at once!

Lawyers should have never asked a Derbyshire grandmother a certain question if they weren’t prepared for the answer. In a court case, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams, I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two bit pen pusher..... Yes, I know you."

The solicitor was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the village. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife....
Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both solicitors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, I'll send the pair of you both down for a ten year stretch in Strangeways!"

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you? It goes in one ear and straight out of the other." This always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me. I took her to my local pub disco at The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, last weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had; break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the whole nine yards. The missus turned to me and sez, "See that fella over there, twenty five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." I replied, "Looks like he's still flamin’ celebrating!"

Popped into a cafe on the High Street yesterday. I shouted over the waitress and curtly informed her, "This all-day breakfast is stone cold." She replied, "Well what did you expect? It's been there all day!"

Teacher asks 9 year old Ben in class, “Spell the word ‘Straight.’ Ben answers, “S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T, miss.” “Correct, now what does it mean?” enquired the teacher. Ben thought for a moment and replied, “Without water, miss”.

Thought for Thursday: There is no pleasure in having nothing whatsoever to do; the real fun is in having loads to do and not doing it...

This whimsical column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on                 Email me:

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