What is going on?

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that the Russians or the Chinese are up to summat? Perchance, it might be linked to nuclear waste being accumulated in Korea, or those awful oil fires in Iraq? Either way, David Cameron should grasp the nettle and act quickly to resolve this unfortunate farrago. Come on Prime Minister, send Nick Clegg round with a rake!

A man is making love to his wife. He asks her "Can you moan a bit to get me more excited?" She says "the taps dripping, you ain't put the bins out, I need more housekeeping money, the mortgage is overdue and your breath stinks summat putrid."

Upon deciding to go to a really trendy nightclub in Manchester last weekend, the doorman gazed at me and declared, "Sorry mate, but I think you've had a few too many." "Drinks?” I asked. He replied, "No, I meant birthdays."


My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face. My sister went fucking mental when she looked in his pram.


I'm not saying the missus has put on a lot of weight, but I've had to put an energy-saving light bulb in the fridge!  She sez she's going to go on a diet, because her hand won't fit in the Pringles tub anymore.  You could'nt make it up.  Could you?

I saw my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert walking down the High Street the other day, I said, "Alright chum?" He replied, "Don't, call me that, it sounds like dog food!!"
I said, "Sorry pal"


Woman on Dragons' Den sez, "I've got a wand shaped device which makes men disappear and I want £50,000 for a 50% share"    Peter Jones; "Can I have a shufty?".  Peter studies it for a moment or two, then replies, "What you have there is a home pregnancy testing kit with a blue indicator."


A little guy is sat at the bar, when all of a sudden a geezer smacks him in the face and says "that's Kung Fu from Japan". A bit later the guy smacks him again and says "that's Karate from Korea". The little guy gets up and leaves the bar. A short time later he comes back and smacks the fella knocking him out cold and says to the barman, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a f***ing shovel from B&Q".

I was down the pub with my mate "She's been cheating on me" said Dave "We've all been there mate" I replied  "What your missus has cheated on you too?" He asked,  " No mate"I laughed "I meant we've all shagged your missus...

Jim, Dave and Eric died and arrived at the gate, St Paul explains to them: 'Heaven is a very big place and you need a car to get around. The car you get depends solely on how faithful you were to your spouse while you were alive'. Jim was married for 15 years and cheated on his wife 3 times so he got a Citi Golf 1.4. Dave was married 20 years and cheated on his wife once so he got a Toyota Camry 2.4 VVTi. Eric was married for 50 years and never cheated on his wife so he got a BMW 745i. Jim and Dave were very envious of Eric! A couple of months later Jim and Dave see Eric sitting on the pavement crying...
Dave asks: 'What's wrong buddy?'
Eric replies: 'I just saw my wife'
Jim asks: 'So why are you crying?'
Eric says: 'She was on a bicycle!


Some kids stopped me outside the off-licence yesterday and said, "Hey mate, will you go in there and get us ten Richmond?" "Sure I will," I replied, taking their money. On the way out I gave them their sausages and informed them they only come in packs of eight!


The missus asked me if I could remember exactly how many women had I dated over the years. I replied, “I really don't want to answer that, darling, you know I've had a past andI don't want to upset you” “C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it” So I had to sit there and count them all. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12." And that’s when the fight started!


Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com    Now, get back to work!