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Monday, 22 October 2012

Jimmy Savile Latest!



One sick individual, now universally loathed by a nation for shafting the innocent. Seen here with Jimmy Saville...



It's a shame that everyone is bad mouthing Jimmy Savile. When I was nine, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

Yesterday morning, in Manchester city centre, I saw a homeless fella sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside Piccadilly station. Not wishing to disturb his slumber, I crept over and carefully placed a large Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box. He awakened immediately and cheerily exclaimed, "Cheers mate, thank you very much." "No problem." I replied. He looked at me again and sez, "It's empty!" I replied, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney pot."

Nick Clegg phoned The Samaritans and opined, "Everybody hates me, so I'm lying on the railway track at Euston waiting for the train to come". After a minute the voice replied, "Just remain calm Nick and stay on the line.”

A group of old-aged pensioners were sitting around talking about all their ailments at McDonald's.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of tea," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my tea." "I couldn't even mark an "X" on polling day, my hands are so arthritic," volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you”, said one elderly lady! "I can't move my head because of the pain in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me go doo-lally!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting auld," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully."Thank God we can all still drive."


I was in our local Tesco, with my significant other, and picked up a case of Stella Artois and plonked it in the trolley. “What do you think you're up to?” screamed the missus. “They're on special offer, only fifteen quid for two dozen bottles” I replied. “Put them back, we can't afford them,” she sniffed, and we carried on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the wife picked up a £30 jar of face cream and put it in the trolley. “What do you think you're doing?” I politely enquired. “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful” replied the missus. I gazed at her with a saturnine grimace and retorted: “So does twenty four bottles of Stella and they are half the price!”

Apparently, Alan Pardew told his Newcastle United players about the clubs new sponsorship deal with Wonga.com. He sez "Just get out on the pitch and give it 4107%."

I phoned SeaWorld aquarium to buy tickets for this weekend. They said that the call may be recorded for training porpoises...

It was difficult battling with my chronic addiction to the Hokey - Cokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about...






More Jimmy Savile.....

BBC news channel have just displayed images of the 3 women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken from the 1970's, The caption read, now, then, now, then, now, then..........

Coastguards confirm Jimmy Savile is not dead. He's been spotted off the Scarborough coast bobbing up and down on a small buoy.........


To save the police time and money in the ongoing Jimmy Savile investigation, it might be quicker if those who weren't abused by Jimmy Savile come forward..........


I don't believe these allegations against Jimmy Savile. I met him in Leeds General Hospital in the 1980's and he seemed very nice. Next, people will be telling me he wasn't qualified to perform my prostate examination......


Police believe Jimmy Savile is currently part of an underground paedophile ring.........

There's a new cream for young girls to put on their itchy fannies, it's called Savile-on!!

When will these Jimmy Savile sex allegations ever end? Police are now saying Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it........

A mob of dyslexic parents have just kicked the fcuk out of Jimmy Somerville!


I see Jimmy Savile's family have removed his gravestone along with all the flowers growing it as a sign of respect to the victims. So it just leaves a small hole with no bush around it. Just what Jimmy would have wanted......


Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn't be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

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