Jimmy Savile Latest!

BBC News 24 channel have just displayed images of the five women who have claimed that Sir Jimmy Savile allegedly interfered with sexually. It showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970's. The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.


"Now then,  now then, now then. 'As it ' 'appens. 'Ow's about that then there, guys and gals. Welcome to another edition of Top of the Pops.  Straight in at thirteen .... Me!"


Can't wait for Hallowe'en! When them 'trick or treaters' come a-knockin' at the door, I'll open it with me new costume consisting of blond wig, track suit, sunglasses, cigar & bling and frighten the little f***ers to death!


More BBC scandal! Witnesses have said they saw the late Rod Hull with his arm up a young bird!!


Q) Why did the wife cross the road?
A) To go back into the same shoe shop that she went in three f***ing hours ago!!


ʇno ʇı ɯoɥʇɐɟ oʇ ƃuıʎɹʇ 'punoɹɐ puɐ punoɹɐ ǝuoɥdı ɹǝɥ ƃuıuɹnʇ uǝǝq s,ǝɥs ƃuıuɹoɯ sıɥʇ ןןɐ ˙uʍop ǝpısdn uǝʇʇıɹʍ sı ʇɐɥʇ ǝƃɐssǝɯ sıɥʇ snssıɯ ǝɥʇ ʇuǝs ı

I forgot my key this morning, so I texted the missus and asked her to hide it under a plant pot for me so I could get back into the house. "No problem," the stoopid woman texted back, "I've put it under the one on the kitchen table."

I hate auto-correct! You always end up posting sum thong you didn't Nintendo!
A pal of mine was a hoarder. Every single inch of space in his house was crammed with stuff, because he was unable to throw anything away. Then I introduced him to heroin, the house is now completely empty. Result!!

Jeremy Forrest. One morning he's taking the register. The next day he's on it!

A fella armed with a pistol walks into a pub and snarls, "Who the f**k had sex with my wife last night?" This voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets, mate!"


It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've turned myself around & that's what its all about.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Tesco’s. The husband picks up a case of Stella and puts it in their trolley.   'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only £15 for 24 bottles’ he replies.   'Put them back, we can't afford them’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a £30 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
‘What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful' replies the wife.   Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 bottles of Stella and it's half the price.’


A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi do.”


Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.  "What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.   "What, cancer?"  "No, dyslexia."


What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.


The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Lidl's cheddar.


If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics? I think we should be told!


A violinist was convinced that he could use his musical talent to tame wild animals. So, violin in hand, he travelled to the heart of the African jungle to prove it.  No sooner had he begun to play than the jungle clearing was filled with animals of all kinds gathering to hear him play. Birds, lions, hippos, elephants - all stood around, entranced by his beautiful music. Just then, a crocodile crept out of a nearby river and into the clearing, and - snap!- gobbled up the violinist.  The other animals were extremely angry. "What on earth did you do that for?" they demanded.   "Eh?" said the crocodile, cupping its hand to its ear.

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"  "Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved.

Bigamy: one wife too many;    Monogamy; same thing.


Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set .  One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling' .
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'   One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.' Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Something that small shouldn't be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!