In The Year 2525...

                                                   

           
Cast your mind toward the future! In the year 2525, Earth is now a member of The Federation of Planets, but without the United Kingdom, which is still trying to leave the EU. Who’d a thowt it?



Despite having never ever seen a dartboard, let alone thrown a dart, Barmy Albert decided to join the team at our local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife in order to immerse himself into team work ethics, male bonding and wallow in the ensuing camaraderie. "Right! What do I have to do?” he asked excitedly on his first visit to the pub. "As it's your first game" I replied "I've decided to put you in goal"

                                   

According to a survey, Vienna is the best place to live in Europe. It Means Nothing To Me.



I called into the butcher’s yesterday morning and asked for a load of tripe. He gave me a DVD box set of Love Island!

                                                         
Neil Armstrong said: “One small step for man. One giant leap for mankind”. Buzz Aldrin retorted: “I don’t know how a cow jumped over this!”
                                   

It's really strange how the missus waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub, just to ask me what time it is. Ridiculous behaviour!



"Hello. Is that 118-118? I need the number of Classix Insurance Company. I'll spell that for you. That's C as in cadence, A as in aye, S as in sea, E as in eye, W as in why, A as in are and Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

                                 

The chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I’m dropping this solid gold coin into this glass of hydrochloric acid. Will it dissolve?" "No, sir," a student called out. "No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the gold coin won’t dissolve." "Because if it would, then you wouldn’t have dropped it in."


                                           

Sometimes, you may be dissatisfied with your life, whereas many folk in this world are dreaming of living your life. A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of flying, but, a pilot on the plane sees the farmhouse and dreams of returning home. That’s life! Enjoy yours. If wealth is the secret to happiness, then the rich should be dancing on the streets. But only poor kids do that. If power ensures security, then officials should walk unguarded. But those who live simply sleep soundly. If beauty and fame bring ideal relationships, then celebrities should have the best marriages. Live simply. Walk humbly and love genuinely. All good will come back to you. When you’ve done all that gubbins, then visit my website for a chortle! Click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Now, get back to work!

                                                                   

           

THAT Time of Year.....

                                             

Because it is ‘that’ time of year and we are all about to enter the brief barbecue season, I thought it might be wise to outline the official rules of play. You will be aware that tempestuous rain (in monsoon proportions) will probably batter the UK during summertime, so I consider that it is of great importance to refresh your memory on the appropriate etiquette and ensuing protocol that must be strictly adhered to with regard to this sublime alfresco catering scenario.



Women, listen up! Let’s get it straight, when a man volunteers to do the barbecue, a sequence of events are put into motion:



(1) The woman will attend the supermarket ‘early doors’ and make any necessary purchases of food and accompanying comestibles.

(2) The woman will marinade all meat, prepare and make good any salad, bake jacket spuds in tin-foil, accompanied by any other miscellaneous vegetables, such as asparagus, wrapped in Parma ham. Further extreme care should be taken when making a nice pudding, such as my fave apple and almond cake. Custard should contain no lumps and should therefore be sieved through a stocking.

(3) The woman prepares and seasons the meat (prior to cremation), subsequently placing it on a platter, along with the requisite cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is languishing beside the grill, larruping ale down his neck. Note: He has a beer in each hand, in an effort to maintain the correct balance.

(4) The woman remains outside the mandatory three yard exclusion zone where  the exuberance of testosterone and other male bonding activities can manifest themselves,  without the interference of the aforementioned mithering female.



Here comes the important part:

(5) The male of the species will then place the meat on the grill.

(6) The woman goes inside to organise any requisite crockery, cutlery and other accessories.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking superb. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat over, thereby engaging in a system of strict rotation.

(8) The man removes meat from grill and will then pass it to the woman for administration purposes.

(9) The woman prepares the crockery, cutlery, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, condiments,

sauces, and fetches the same to the table. If she is unable to do this all at once, then she should make several trips.

(10) After the man and all the kids finish scoffing all the grub, the woman shall then clear and wipe down the table and stack the dishwasher accordingly.

(11) Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his culinary expertise and efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘night off ‘and, upon seeing her gobsmacked countenance and flabbergasted reaction (she has a face like a murderers labourer), concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!



Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!


                             

The Wimbledon Moment....

                                                   
      

My most memorable Wimbledon moment of all time? It was definitely when they beat Liverpool in the 1988 FA Cup Final.



Barmy Albert asked me how much cup final tickets were these days . I sez: "About £100 mate." He replied "You could get a high class call girl for that kinda money!" I sez: "Yeah, but not with 45 minutes each way and a meat pie followed by a brass band playing in the middle..."

                                             

When it was snowing in January, I got a case of Stella from the supermarket and stayed in and watched Netflix. It was raining a week ago, so I sauntered into Wetherspoons and quaffed a few gin & tonics. When it was sunny yesterday, I had a couple of bottles of Chardonnay in the garden. I’m beginning to think that I have a serious problem with the weather....



I sez to the missus yesterday morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper, how blades of grass can actually feel pain. Truly amazing isn't it?" She replied, "Nice try, fishface. Now go and get the lawnmower out of the garage." I reckon that grass grows in direct proportion to your unwillingness to mow it. One thing is for sure. If I drag the barbecue out of the garage, it’ll start lagging it down.



I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.” He said, “No way!” I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.” He said, “Okay.” I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “No way!” I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.” Bill Gates said, “Okay.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “No way!”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “Okay.” Now you know how politics work.

                                   

The wife and I went to a fancy dress party as a couple of armed bank robbers last weekend. We had a great time. Well, I did. She was sat outside in the car, with the engine running.



Are you ever worried that your teeth will be stained after a night drinking copious bottles of red wine? Well, simply slurp down a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains. Do you already have yellow teeth? Try wearing a brown tie and go walkabout on an autumn day.

                                 

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work! Summer is here!

                                                              

The Petition....

Boris has clarified his position. He has said: "If you feel we should have a referendum about having a referendum regarding the referendum and that this referendum be based on the referendum held prior to the first referendum then this referendum will only be valid if a further referendum is held amongst those who voted in the first referendum thereby making the referendum first and foremost the referendum to be taken as agreed by all parties and that should sort it all out except for the people who don’t agree with the above and we can just ignore them. Moreover, if we had a second referendum and Remoaners won by 53% of the vote, would a third referendum be then required? I find it all quite disconcerting..."



Many moons ago, I had the ‘snip’ or to give it it’s proper moniker, a vasectomy.. the doctor assured me that I wouldn't have children any longer. Imagine my surprise, when I returned home from the hospital and discovered the little bastards were all still there!

                                             

The wife is not happy with my new keep fit regime. She had a go at me the other day about it. She sez: “You’ve been out five nights running!” To make matters worse, I went on the rowing machine yesterday and it sank.

I will never understand why my fridge has a picture of a carrot on the beer drawer!

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the front door. Albert gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," remonstrated Albert, "It is 3am in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked Nora. "Just some drunken idiot asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin’well pouring with tempestuous rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," declared Nora. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two blokes helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know." Barmy Albert does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out Albert. "Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks Albert.   "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

                               

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com


                             

The Beautiful Game....

                               

Yesterday morning was totally surreal! First, I found a hat stuffed with loads of money and then I got chased by some angry bloke with a guitar! Weird!



Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora: "What's that you're reading?" Nora replied, "It's a diary." Albert enquired: "What's in it?" Nora replies "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair. It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared with other people. Besides, this diary belongs to Elsie Grabknuckle....”

                            

I went to watch my lad play football after school yesterday. During the game, the referee blew his whistle and declared that my son was in an offside position. I ran onto the pitch and said, "Listen here, you sken-eyed cretin, you're a flamin’ moron, and you're lucky I don't wallop you one round the ear hole!" The referee walked over and said, "Do you always speak to your son like this?"


                                

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.



Thought for Thursday: Never give yourself a haircut after four large gin and tonics...


Having said that, my missus has stood by me for twelve years. We only have one chair.


                                                                

"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said. She gave me a cheeky little smile, then reached into her purse and pulled out a crumpled twenty quid note, all screwed up into a little ball. "Have you ever seen fifty quid all crumpled up?" she asked. "Nope," I exclaimed. She gave me another little smile, reached into her purse once again, and produced a crumpled fifty pound note. "Right-ho!" she said, "Have you ever seen twenty thousand quid all crumpled up?" "Definitely not" I lamented, in an intrigued fashion. "Well, go and have a quick shufty in the garage." Well, at least I know one thing for sure now. The airbag works!



My friend, Eric Figgis has failed his Aboriginal music exam. I couldn’t resist asking him, “Did ya redo it?”



Fascinating Fact: We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. However, are you aware that his brother Frank was a bit of a monster? Well, you read it here first, folks!

                                                 

I went back to see the doctor this morning. I sez, "When I applied the haemorrhoid ointment that you prescribed me last week, I got a very nasty reaction." "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked. I replied, "On the bus."


                                                   
                                                     

Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                                       

The Eureka Moment!

                                            

Last week, a supermarket in Toxteth, Liverpool was selling Fathers Day cards in packs of five. How innovative!



If Boris Johnson becomes prime minister, he has pledged free television licensing for the blind and deaf. He has also assured folk that we will definitely be leaving the EU as soon as the DFS sale finishes. So, now we know!

                                        

I was home schooled to a certain degree. My mother taught me to speak Japanese. When the rent man came, I would answer the door and say: “Shintin.”



My neighbours have three grown up sons. One is a Butcher, one is a Baker and I'll bet you can guess what the third one is. That's right, he's morbidly obese.



Breaking News: Several corn fed chickens taken and eaten during the night and Basil Brush is making a comeback. - Fox News.

                                             
Barmy Albert was lying in bed with Non-Stick Nora one night, and Albert was nodding off. His appointment with Mister Sandman was not to be delayed. However, Nora had other ideas. She was in a romantic mood and wanted to chat. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, Albert reached across, held Nora’s hand for a second and then tried to get back to kip. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to snog me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to snoringtons. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to nibble my ears." Angrily, Barmy Albert threw back the duvet and stormed off out of bed. "Where are you going?" Nora asked. Albert gazed at her, with eyes like burning embers and replied, "To fetch me teeth!"



I’ve had a Eureka moment! Gentlemen. Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The best way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!



From an early age, I always assumed that my father worked at a manufacturing plant that produced toilet rolls and light bulbs. This is because that’s all he ever brought home. My Dad was always very competitive. I remember him saying to me: “How old are you now, son?” I replied, “Eight.” He said, “When I was your age, I was nine!” I had a serious nut allergy and he used to play ‘Russian Roulette’ with me, using a bag of Revels.



I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. Boris! Get it sorted, matey! You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!

                                                 

The Outdoors Geezer....

                                             

During my annual medical check-up, the doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 8 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a badger. I climbed several rocky hills, then I fell down a hole behind some big conifers. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of this unfortunate farrago, I drank eight pints of lager." Inspired by the story, the doctor sez, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No," I replied "I'm just a shite golfer".


I came home from dog walking yesterday morning and found several pieces of Lego on the front doorstep. I didn’t know what to make of it.

                                                         

Barmy Albert phones Non-Stick Nora and the conversation went thus: “Hello love, it’s me. I’ve had a bad accident at work and trapped my leg. Sharon took me to the hospital but the surgeon says I might have to have it amputated.” Nora replied: “Who’s Sharon?”

I’m getting totally fed up with various folk whinging about the cost of stuff. £1.50 for a cup of tea, £1.75 for a coffee, £2 for a slice of Battenberg or £2.50 for car parking. Well I’m telling you now, if there are any more complaints, then I will honestly stop inviting people round to my house!

Hands up if you're scared of Armed Robbers?

                                 

It may be due working in a stage environment, but last week I went to see the quack about my acute deafness. He gave me some medicine and told me to put two drops per day in my beer.  I've been doing it for well over a week now and I still haven't noticed any improvement whatsoever.



I was in a benevolent mood on Saturday, so I decided to treat myself. I bought a first aid kit and a set of defibrillators.

Thought for Thursday: A monkey with a typewriter could never recreate the works of Shakespeare. But it would make quite a good living working for the Welsh tourism board.
                                     

Innit awful gerrin auld! When you drop summat on the floor, as a youngster, you’d just pick it up, without a second thought. However, when you get a lot older and you drop summat, you just stare at it for a while, contemplating and then decide if you actually need this item any longer....

I went to watch my lad play football after school yesterday. During the game, the referee blew his whistle and declared that my son was in an offside position. I ran onto the pitch and said, "Listen here you sken-eyed twat, you're a fucking moron, and you're lucky I don't smack you in the face." The referee walked over and said, "Do you always speak to your son like this?"

                                   

Spice Girls have sacked their sound engineer following complaints of the poor sound at their comeback tour. He admits it was his fault for switching their microphones on!
                                                     

Summer is a comin’! Hair gets lighter, skin gets darker, water gets warmer, drinks get colder, music gets louder, nights get longer, life gets better. Now assume a comical position and strike the pose! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest. Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                                   

I was in a band called 999MegaBytes but we never did a Gig

I was in a band called Missing Cat, you must have seen our posters

Years ago I was in a band called The Hinges, we supported The Doors


Then I was in a band called Origami but we folded

Then I was in a band called White Line, we were middle of the road

And of course I was in a band called Duvet, we did covers

Before that I was in a band called The Sewers, that was when we were underground

I was in a band called The Prevention, we were told we were better than The Cure

Do you remember I was in a band called Dusk, we were on before The Darkness

I’m now in a band called Blank Cheques, we’re currently unsigned