Yesterday morning was totally surreal! First, I found a hat stuffed with loads of money and then I got chased by some angry bloke with a guitar! Weird!
Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora: "What's that you're reading?" Nora replied, "It's a diary." Albert enquired: "What's in it?" Nora replies "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair. It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared with other people. Besides, this diary belongs to Elsie Grabknuckle....”
I went to watch my lad play football after school yesterday. During the game, the referee blew his whistle and declared that my son was in an offside position. I ran onto the pitch and said, "Listen here, you sken-eyed cretin, you're a flamin’ moron, and you're lucky I don't wallop you one round the ear hole!" The referee walked over and said, "Do you always speak to your son like this?"
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Thought for Thursday: Never give yourself a haircut after four large gin and tonics...
Having said that, my missus has stood by me for twelve years. We only have one chair.
"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said. She gave me a cheeky little smile, then reached into her purse and pulled out a crumpled twenty quid note, all screwed up into a little ball. "Have you ever seen fifty quid all crumpled up?" she asked. "Nope," I exclaimed. She gave me another little smile, reached into her purse once again, and produced a crumpled fifty pound note. "Right-ho!" she said, "Have you ever seen twenty thousand quid all crumpled up?" "Definitely not" I lamented, in an intrigued fashion. "Well, go and have a quick shufty in the garage." Well, at least I know one thing for sure now. The airbag works!
My friend, Eric Figgis has failed his Aboriginal music exam. I couldn’t resist asking him, “Did ya redo it?”
Fascinating Fact: We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. However, are you aware that his brother Frank was a bit of a monster? Well, you read it here first, folks!
I went back to see the doctor this morning. I sez, "When I applied the haemorrhoid ointment that you prescribed me last week, I got a very nasty reaction." "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked. I replied, "On the bus."
Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
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