The Petition....

Boris has clarified his position. He has said: "If you feel we should have a referendum about having a referendum regarding the referendum and that this referendum be based on the referendum held prior to the first referendum then this referendum will only be valid if a further referendum is held amongst those who voted in the first referendum thereby making the referendum first and foremost the referendum to be taken as agreed by all parties and that should sort it all out except for the people who don’t agree with the above and we can just ignore them. Moreover, if we had a second referendum and Remoaners won by 53% of the vote, would a third referendum be then required? I find it all quite disconcerting..."



Many moons ago, I had the ‘snip’ or to give it it’s proper moniker, a vasectomy.. the doctor assured me that I wouldn't have children any longer. Imagine my surprise, when I returned home from the hospital and discovered the little bastards were all still there!

                                             

The wife is not happy with my new keep fit regime. She had a go at me the other day about it. She sez: “You’ve been out five nights running!” To make matters worse, I went on the rowing machine yesterday and it sank.

I will never understand why my fridge has a picture of a carrot on the beer drawer!

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the front door. Albert gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," remonstrated Albert, "It is 3am in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked Nora. "Just some drunken idiot asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin’well pouring with tempestuous rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," declared Nora. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two blokes helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know." Barmy Albert does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out Albert. "Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks Albert.   "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

                               

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com