The Eureka Moment!

                                            

Last week, a supermarket in Toxteth, Liverpool was selling Fathers Day cards in packs of five. How innovative!



If Boris Johnson becomes prime minister, he has pledged free television licensing for the blind and deaf. He has also assured folk that we will definitely be leaving the EU as soon as the DFS sale finishes. So, now we know!

                                        

I was home schooled to a certain degree. My mother taught me to speak Japanese. When the rent man came, I would answer the door and say: “Shintin.”



My neighbours have three grown up sons. One is a Butcher, one is a Baker and I'll bet you can guess what the third one is. That's right, he's morbidly obese.



Breaking News: Several corn fed chickens taken and eaten during the night and Basil Brush is making a comeback. - Fox News.

                                             
Barmy Albert was lying in bed with Non-Stick Nora one night, and Albert was nodding off. His appointment with Mister Sandman was not to be delayed. However, Nora had other ideas. She was in a romantic mood and wanted to chat. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, Albert reached across, held Nora’s hand for a second and then tried to get back to kip. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to snog me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to snoringtons. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to nibble my ears." Angrily, Barmy Albert threw back the duvet and stormed off out of bed. "Where are you going?" Nora asked. Albert gazed at her, with eyes like burning embers and replied, "To fetch me teeth!"



I’ve had a Eureka moment! Gentlemen. Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The best way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!



From an early age, I always assumed that my father worked at a manufacturing plant that produced toilet rolls and light bulbs. This is because that’s all he ever brought home. My Dad was always very competitive. I remember him saying to me: “How old are you now, son?” I replied, “Eight.” He said, “When I was your age, I was nine!” I had a serious nut allergy and he used to play ‘Russian Roulette’ with me, using a bag of Revels.



I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. Boris! Get it sorted, matey! You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!