The Disabled Space....

   

"Oi! Yer can't park there mate, that's a disabled space," screamed the security bloke on Tesco car park. I remonstrated thus; "I'm only going to use the cash line. There's 11 empty spaces - it's not as if 11 disabled folk are all gonna turn up all at once, is it?” At which point, to make me look an utter moron, the Aston Villa F.C team bus pulled up....


                                 

        This is an advert for Ten Pin Bowling..

Went in a corner shop in Liverpool and picked up a chocolate bar. I asked: "How much is this, love?" She sez, "You're not from round here are you?"

                           

The missus sez she's getting me a Sat-Nav for my birthday to go with her other surprise. She's asking me to move out....

                                   

Riddle me this: What would it mean if you broke a mirror, whilst simultaneously walking underneath a ladder, with a horseshoe that was attached to a rabbit’s foot in your pocket? Answers on a postcard please. Matron will choose a winner.

                                         

Three fascinating facts that you never knew that you knew:

1) Fred Astaire's brother Stan invented the stair lift.

2) It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas, the other will see you later.

3) You can't judge a book by its cover, but you can with a tribute act...

                                       

KITCHENWARE COMPANY BOSS: So, did you come up with a name for that revolving food tray, Susan?

SUSAN: Nah. Couldn't be arsed, mate.
                         

Last Thursday was St Paddy's Day! Pat sez to Mick, "Where didya get that six-leaf clover?" Mick replies, "Our Seamus has thousands of 'em growing up in his loft!"


                                               

I have principles, me, I do. For instance, I don’t believe in labelling people or putting them in boxes. This is the primary reason why I lost my job at the local funeral directors. This occurred at the same time that the missus lost her job because she had rheumatism in the shoulder and consequently, she couldn’t throw the harpoon anymore.

                                 

Last year, whilst travelling around America, I went shopping in Wal-Mart. I asked the assistant if they had any Kinder Eggs. "Definitely not, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are considered a major health hazard!" "That's okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two AK- 47 assault rifles then."

                           

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they cost a mighty £70! No way, I thought, I can get one much cheaper off the web.

                                 

I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!
                               

Nowt so odd as folk....

                 

I asked the missus to describe me in five words. She sez I'm moral, I'm mature, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she also added that I possess a fundamental lack of understanding with regard to apostrophes and spaces. Fascinating innit!

                        

Just read an article in the newspaper about the first three minutes when you are born. They reckon that this is the most dangerous time in anyone's life. The last three minutes can't be all that clever either....

                                        

A blonde school teacher notices a little fat boy in the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. ‘Are you okay?’ she says. ‘Yes.’ he says. ‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she says. ‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says. ‘Why?’ says asks blonde. The boy says: "Because I’m the flamin’ goalkeeper!"

                          

It's terrible with the missus. "Do I look alright? Do I look big in this? Does this colour suit me? Why won't she answer me? What gets me is that if the woman is always right and the man is always wrong, then if a man tells a woman that she’s right, is the man right or wrong? I think we should be told.


                                                         

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serbian, a Czech, and a Swiss bloke went into a pub. The landlord says "Sorry, I can't let any of you in without a Thai"

                      

Upon deciding to go to a really trendy nightclub in Manchester last weekend, the doorman gazed at me and declared, "Sorry mate, but I think you've had a few too many." "Drinks?” I asked. He replied, "No, I meant birthdays...." Oh dear. Hat and coat time already!
                    

Kids do say the funniest things. In primary school the teacher asked the class to make a sentence using the word 'avocado'. Little Tommy stood up and pronounced, “My dad taught me to drive, but I don't avocado.”


                           

Regular exercise can add valuable minutes to your life. This would enable you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at £1,000 per month. I made a start this fine morning. I power-walked past the gym!

                            

I've literally turned my life around. I used to be very argumentative and quite conceited. Now I'm very conceited and quite argumentative...



                             

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com


                                

Strange Names....

I invited a mate back home for dinner. The missus screamed, "I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, I ain’t done any housework, not done the dishes and I can't be bothered with cooking! What the Hell did you bring him back here for?" I sez, "Because he's thinking of getting married."



                 

I went into Wetherspoons: I sez “Do you do cash back?” The barman replied, “Yes, we do.”

I sez, “Well give us the £50 I spent in here yesterday, because the missus is going flamin’ mental!”



Many moons ago, I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, "Where the hell did you find her? She's cross eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well!"


                             

                                       

After an enjoyable day sight-seeing in London, Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora settled down on the train from Euston, their destination being Manchester, when the bloke sitting opposite him hauled out his Apple iPhone 6S and started up:- "Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss - no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc. This banal exchange was still going on at Stoke-on-Trent, when Non-Stick Nora, at the end of her tether and driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, “Hey, Peter, turn that flamin’ phone off and come back to bed!”


                       

I was waylaid on the High Street today by one of those wretched market researchers. She asked if I had time to answer ten quick questions. I was in a benevolent mood, so I agreed. She asked me: "Okay, question number one, do you ever suffer from sudden blackouts?" I replied "Nope". Then she sez, "And finally question ten......"
                     


I did a gig at an old folk’s home. They were a tough crowd. They wouldn’t even answer my "Knock, Knock" jokes until I showed them some I.D.


   

My neighbour's husband has snuffed it. I took her down to the local newspaper office for her to put a notice in the obituaries section. She is short of money and just wanted to keep it brief, 'Fred is dead.' However, it turns out you can have six words for a fiver. Bargain! She put, 'Fred is dead. Volvo for sale.'


                 

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!


               

The Greatest Man City Keeper!

                 

Breaking News: Bonnie Tyler is bringing out a ‘The Greatest Goalkeeper of Manchester City’ DVD. It's gonna be called ‘Totally Clips of Joe Hart.’ Fascinating!


                       

Still on the music front: The missus sez she’s leaving me due to my obsession with the Pet Shop Boys. What have I? What have I? What have I done to deserve this?
                                      

This morning, I contacted Tameside Hospital to let them know that if my wife's condition should deteriorate, I hereby give my full permission for them to switch off the life support machine. They curtly informed me that this isn't option for a sprained ankle....

                            

When it comes to mucking up everyday sayings, I've been that, done there, got the tea bag....


                                      

Angela Merkel flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When she gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at her passport and sez, "Nationality?" She says, "German."  He answers, "Occupation?" She replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."

                           
                   

Yesterday afternoon, the missus called me on my mobile phone. "I've broken down in Tintwistle. I have water in the carburettor." she opined. "Where’s the car?" I asked. She sez, "It’s in the reservoir." When I got there she’d dipped the headlights as well. Oh, and now I know that the airbag works!



                           

Barmy Albert’s uncle was a taxidermist and had bequeathed him two stuffed dogs in his will. Albert decided to take them onto Dickenson’s Real Deal. "A pair of Bobby Dazzlers," said David Dickenson himself, "These are Tibetan Mastiffs’. They are a very rare and expensive breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch, if they were still alive?" Albert thought for a minute and replied, "Sticks?"
                         

The missus decided to join an aerobics class. She bent, twisted, gyrated and jumped up and down for an hour. But, by the time she got her leotard on the class was over! She reckons that she has flabby thighs, luckily, her stomach covers them.


                       

Thought for Thursday: When you swim up a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray...


                                     

I’ve had a Eureka moment! Gentlemen. Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The best way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!

       

I've been hanging out at the local gym - I think I need to buy some bigger shorts!



                  

If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious geezer called Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com    Now assume a comical position and strike the pose! Spring is a-comin'!

Top of FormTop of Form

Male Sensitivity Test………

   

1. In the company of females, sexual intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Fancy a back scuttle?

C. Taking the pigskin bus to up into Tuna Town.

                     

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five Jagerbombs.

                                   

             

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don’t miss Man Utd v Milan on Sky Sports.
                                        

                   

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

           

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. £50 extra.
                   

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she’s gained ten pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence whatsoever on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

                     

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.

                       

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entrée.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long queue is to an amusement park ride.

                                 

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."

B. "I’m not in right now, please leave a message after the tone."                      

C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU!"


10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus, in the first place.


Evaluating Results: If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to
make sure you really ARE a bloke.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You’re a tad confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAIN MAN, DUDE!"

     

www.ComedianUK.com