I asked the missus to describe me in five words. She sez I'm moral, I'm mature, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she also added that I possess a fundamental lack of understanding with regard to apostrophes and spaces. Fascinating innit!
Just read an article in the newspaper about the first three minutes when you are born. They reckon that this is the most dangerous time in anyone's life. The last three minutes can't be all that clever either....
A blonde school teacher notices a little fat boy in the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. ‘Are you okay?’ she says. ‘Yes.’ he says. ‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she says. ‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says. ‘Why?’ says asks blonde. The boy says: "Because I’m the flamin’ goalkeeper!"
It's terrible with the missus. "Do I look alright? Do I look big in this? Does this colour suit me? Why won't she answer me? What gets me is that if the woman is always right and the man is always wrong, then if a man tells a woman that she’s right, is the man right or wrong? I think we should be told.
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serbian, a Czech, and a Swiss bloke went into a pub. The landlord says "Sorry, I can't let any of you in without a Thai"
Upon deciding to go to a really trendy nightclub in Manchester last weekend, the doorman gazed at me and declared, "Sorry mate, but I think you've had a few too many." "Drinks?” I asked. He replied, "No, I meant birthdays...." Oh dear. Hat and coat time already!
Kids do say the funniest things. In primary school the teacher asked the class to make a sentence using the word 'avocado'. Little Tommy stood up and pronounced, “My dad taught me to drive, but I don't avocado.”
Regular exercise can add valuable minutes to your life. This would enable you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at £1,000 per month. I made a start this fine morning. I power-walked past the gym!
I've literally turned my life around. I used to be very argumentative and quite conceited. Now I'm very conceited and quite argumentative...
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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