"Oi! Yer can't park there mate, that's a disabled space," screamed the security bloke on Tesco car park. I remonstrated thus; "I'm only going to use the cash line. There's 11 empty spaces - it's not as if 11 disabled folk are all gonna turn up all at once, is it?” At which point, to make me look an utter moron, the Aston Villa F.C team bus pulled up....
This is an advert for Ten Pin Bowling..
Went in a corner shop in Liverpool and picked up a chocolate bar. I asked: "How much is this, love?" She sez, "You're not from round here are you?"
The missus sez she's getting me a Sat-Nav for my birthday to go with her other surprise. She's asking me to move out....
Riddle me this: What would it mean if you broke a mirror, whilst simultaneously walking underneath a ladder, with a horseshoe that was attached to a rabbit’s foot in your pocket? Answers on a postcard please. Matron will choose a winner.
Three fascinating facts that you never knew that you knew:
1) Fred Astaire's brother Stan invented the stair lift.
2) It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas, the other will see you later.
3) You can't judge a book by its cover, but you can with a tribute act...
KITCHENWARE COMPANY BOSS: So, did you come up with a name for that revolving food tray, Susan?
SUSAN: Nah. Couldn't be arsed, mate.
Last Thursday was St Paddy's Day! Pat sez to Mick, "Where didya get that six-leaf clover?" Mick replies, "Our Seamus has thousands of 'em growing up in his loft!"
I have principles, me, I do. For instance, I don’t believe in labelling people or putting them in boxes. This is the primary reason why I lost my job at the local funeral directors. This occurred at the same time that the missus lost her job because she had rheumatism in the shoulder and consequently, she couldn’t throw the harpoon anymore.
Last year, whilst travelling around America, I went shopping in Wal-Mart. I asked the assistant if they had any Kinder Eggs. "Definitely not, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are considered a major health hazard!" "That's okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two AK- 47 assault rifles then."
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they cost a mighty £70! No way, I thought, I can get one much cheaper off the web.
I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! email@example.com Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!
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